Tag Archives: behavior

Turn “Potty Talk” into “Body Talk”

You know that stage-when your child thinks using “potty talk” is just too fun and funny to stop. But, what motivates this “rude” behavior?

Q: We have a boy 4 turning 5 next month, and we really have a lot of toilet talk going on. We’ve tried ignoring it and eSilly Kidxplaining why it’s not okay and that it’s not okay to use in our house, nothing seems to work he just lays around and says: penis, boobies, vagina and others – no swear words but typical toilet talk. He will poke me or others and say I can see your booby, bum bum etc. also with his 1 year old sister and dogs etc. One older friend exacerbates this, and we notice that when they are together it is much worse but our almost 5 yo certainly says it too much. Any advice would be appreciated as it’s starting to be such a theme and hard to help him know that it’s not okay to yell this and say it all the time.

A. I’m afraid he yells these Read more…

Focus on Trust to Encourage Your Child’s Potential

Trust

How do you think your kids experience you? Do they expect loving, positive attention  and trust or criticism and judgement? Or no attention at all until they cause a problem? Watch yourself and see what they respond to.

Whenever you yell, threaten, punish, or use that blaming tone that turns your child “parent deaf”, you are teaching your children that they are a problem—because you see them as a problem. What you want is the problem to end, but what you are focusing on—what your child is doing wrong—makes the problem worse.

What you want to grow is your child’s capability.

So trust your child’s capability to overcome problems. This requires a mindset shift and understanding what trust really means. Your trust is needed 24/7, especially if your child is behaving in untrustworthy ways.

It’s not about trusting behavior or even your child’s current motivations. It’s about trusting who your child is and that he wants to do things right. The fact that things are going wrong can be corrected by your change in focus.

Focus on what you

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How Toddlers Learn Self-Control

Child running away A Connective Parent asked about how toddlers learn self-control. Every parent needs real-life solutions to tantrums.

Q. My two and a half year old is in the heart of his terrible twos with lots of tantrums especially when he’s had it by the end of the daycare week. But what I don’t understand is when he seems fine, eating his yogurt and berries that he loves in his highchair, and suddenly, with no apparent emotion, he flings his bowl across the room making a horrible mess. What am I supposed to do then? Other times, he runs away from me and doesn’t listen when I yell to him to stop. What do I do to get him to listen? Am I’m allowing this behavior by not punishing him?


A. Impulses are a strange thing. We don’t know where they come from (maybe a brain scientist does) and certainly can’t see them coming. There is no way to prepare yourself or to head them off at the pass. They come from deep inside and often don’t seem to have any connection Read more…

Why Kids Lie and How To Handle It to Motivate Honesty and Trust
Why DO kids lie? It’s pretty straightforward but anything but obvious. Here’s the break down on why kids lie and what you can do about it.

Kids playing legosQ. My eight-year-old daughter has taken to lying and I don’t know what to do. The other day I was driving her home from a friend’s house. I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw her playing with legos that were not hers. Her friend has quite a collection. I asked her where she got them, and she told me that a friend at school had given them to her. I said that we had not brought them to her friend’s. She said she had put them in the car earlier to play with on the way home. Her brother told me later that she had taken them from her friend’s house. What is my next step?

A. Let’s start with understanding how badly she wanted the legos. To influence her with the right way of handling the situation, you will make better progress by connecting with her first. Try:

“I see you have Read more…

How to Find Acceptance When Your Children Are Different from You

Q. I have two daughters, 12 and 10. We have a wonderful, respectful, open relationship. The older is very much an introvert, like me and my husband. She works hard academically, achieves well, and has a mind that races along a million miles per hour. She is always up to something constructive, is very comfortable in her own company.

The younger one is a quiet extrovert and wants to be entertained all the time. Academics come easily to her, and she gives up if something is hard. She seems to have little drive to do much at all. Being on her own is like a form of torture. We do a lot together as a family—board games, walks, parks, doing crafts together, cooking and eating together etc. I am strict on minimizing screen time.

I have a very hard time seeing her lie around doing nothing, watching everything I do. I feel under pressure to entertain her but want her to entertain herself. If I suggest anything for her to do alone, she says no. I don’t want her to Read more…

It’s Okay to Let Kids Quit Things
Here’s a parenting question I get often: Should I condemn or condone quitting an activity? I was fortunate enough to have this exact conversation with Jen Zamzow, PhD for her Good Housekeeping article “It’s Okay to Let Kids Quit Things.” And this is what we discussed…

Child Giving UpIt’s Okay to Let Kids Quit Things

“Q: When one of my kids was in kindergarten, he spent months begging to learn karate. When we finally signed him up, he wanted to quit after two classes. My husband and I were at a loss. Do we let him give up or push him to keep trying? we asked ourselves. And how will our decision affect him in the future?

A: In an age of intensive parenting with an emphasis on building resilience and antifragility in kids, it’s easy to panic when they want to quit something. If we let them start and stop on a whim, how will they ever learn to see things through, especially when the going gets hard?”

Good question. Read the full article HERE.

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The Power of Read more…

Addressing Heightened Aggression in Children: Understanding the Triggers and Implementing Effective Strategies

angry childHeightened aggression in children, characterized by intense anger outbursts, defiance, and physical attacks, impacts children’s social interactions, academic progress, and emotional growth. Crucially addressed in early childhood, this issue, if unchecked, can result in lifelong anti-social or mental health issues.

Understanding the triggers and implementing effective strategies for such aggression is vital, requiring the collaboration of parents, teachers, and mental health professionals. This blog explores these triggers and offers strategies for mitigating such behaviors, thus improving children’s quality of life and contributing to healthier communities.

Unpacking the Triggers of Aggression

Unraveling the triggers of aggression in children is a complex task that requires a nuanced understanding of individual behaviors and broader environmental factors. By unpacking these triggers, we can move beyond simplistic views of aggression as purely “bad behavior” and start to understand the underlying causes, paving the way for more effective and compassionate interventions.

Biological Factors

  • Hormonal Influence: Hormones play a vital role in the regulation of behavior. Disruptions in the normal balance of hormones, particularly testosterone and cortisol, may lead to heightened aggression. Elevated testosterone levels have
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The Power of Empathy

Crying BoyStory: My strong willed 8 year old was diagnosed with anxiety and displays this with anger. Last March I got diagnosed with cancer and needed surgery. His anxiety hit the moon. He’s been acting out by throwing a ball at kids, stepping on their feet, throwing sand, yelling, etc. I practiced your principles of empathy, and he was able to tell me about a kid teasing him for not climbing the rock wall. I would never have found this out had I not set aside his behavior and my problem, used compassion and empathy, and listened. Yesterday when I picked him up, he came running into my arms and cried and cried really, really hard. WOW! He hasn’t cried like that in years. He cried the whole way home and continued at home and let me just sit there with him. I used empathy when needed and let him say all these horrible things about a kid who’s been bullying him. Bingo, I got to the root of his behavior, went right past those weeds. I did my best to Read more…

8 Steps of a True Apology

SorryIt’s really easy to get down on yourself for behaving regretfully toward your child. What’s hard is forgiving yourself because you’re human and making amends. 

Repairing mistakes is one of the best skills you can teach your child. Isn’t this what we want them to be able to do? Repairing, apologizing, owning up and being accountable for your behavior is the sign of a strong, responsible person—exactly what you want your child to become.

But it’s hard for many parents to own mistakes and make repairs. When you have learned through your childhood that apologizing, showing vulnerability by admitting mistakes is a sign of weakness, it is hard to do it with your child. It can feel like admitting defeat, losing authority, giving in. But the opposite is true.

Coming down off a righteous pedestal to apologize, to say I see it differently now and wish I hadn’t said what I did, to admit wrong-doing, is not backing down or being inconsistent and wishy-washy. On the contrary, it is the powerful thing to do.

Mom apologizingVulnerability does not equal weakness. Vulnerability Read more…

How To Get Your Kids to Listen-The First Time

How to get your kids to listen (the first time you ask!), without the frustration of yelling, nagging, or asking the same question again and again and again, takes connecting with them-before you start asking.

Kid Not Listening

Q. My kids don’t listen to me—ever. I end up shouting till I’m hoarse, even when I’m in the same room. I didn’t bargain for having to go through this every time I need them to come to a meal, get ready for school or even go for a playdate or something else they love. I would have been grounded and spanked if I didn’t become a yes-man to my parents with everything they said. I don’t do that, but I do expect at least some respect and cooperation. They seem to think they can be anyway they want with me.

A. Next time you have that mental reaction of “They never listen”, intentionally switch your focus and think about what they’re doing. Are they engaged in something (whether or not you approve) that is holding their attention?

When children are focused on something the Read more…