Why is it so hard for most of us to find the middle ground in communication? We want to be right. We want to get our point across, to be understood and seen. Our egos are very strong. We want what we want. It’s hard to find a balance where everyone feels seen and heard and no one is out to win. Why? I believe it’s because we are naturally pendulum thinkers.
A pendulum swings back and forth from one end of the continuum (of anything) to the other end where extremes are quite distinct from one another. On a given day, any of us can feel both elated and disconsolate. On a large scale, trends, societal norms often swing back and forth. Finding the middle ground takes patience to wait for the pendulum to rest. Let’s look at the pendulum swing of everyday parenting.
One end of the spectrum is permissive parenting: it’s easier to say yes than no. It’s hard for you to be firm. You believe your child’s needs are always more important than yours. You would much rather give in than experience your child’s unhappiness or disappointment. You want your child to be happy. The other end is autocratic parenting: it’s easier to say no than yes. You believe that children should do as they are told and respect their elders no matter what. You won’t take no for an answer. You tend to see your child as someone to mold, and what you want is more important than what your child wants.
Most of the time we deal with our kids from many points along the continuum, but we all have a default end. When we are stressed, angry, exhausted, we tend to gravitate to one end rather than the other. It’s our automatic. The end we default to has much to do with our past experiences and how we formed our beliefs about ourselves and others and is colored by our inborn temperaments. So when we are most out of sorts, it is hardest to find the middle ground.
And as a tennis player plays best when playing opposite a really good tennis player, children do better when parents communicate with them from a place of regulation and intention rather than automatic reaction. Children do not have the maturity to know what middle ground is. We do. We need to call on all of our maturity to settle into the middle ground when a child is screaming, hitting, ignoring, refusing. This is why the middle ground can be elusive.
But it’s in the middle ground where we are truly present, listening and considering that our child has needs and wants no more or no less important than our own. It’s where we find solutions that work for both of us. It’s where we offer consideration of what our child wants and feels without criticism or sacrifice. It’s where we compromise and negotiate. It’s where we listen and offer our understanding so our children feel gotten. It’s where we teach our children how to grow into that space so it’s easier for them to find middle ground with others.
In order to get there, you need to:
- Stop instead of react
- Breathe
- Listen instead of tell
This buys you time to:
- Calm down
- Let go of fear and anger
- Broaden your perspective
- Reassess your automatic thoughts
So you can:
- Say no clearly and firmly if appropriate
- Say what can be done instead
- Restrain child if necessary without anger or force
- Call on humor if appropriate
- Acknowledge the importance of what child wants (to the child)
- Accept that the want is perfectly normal
- “Of course you want to get your sister out of the way.”
- Allow child’s emotions
- “It makes sense that you are angry that she’s in your stuff.”
- “You must have been so angry that it was too hard for you to not hit her.”
- Offer comfort if needed or appropriate
- “It’s no fun to have to deal with her grabbing.”
- “Show me where you got hurt.”
- Problem solve
- “What is it you want her to do? How do you think you can make that happen?”
- “Next time you feel like hitting her, what can you do to get what you want?”
The middle ground is also the gray area. Black or white is easy. Gray requires thought, emotional regulation, and possible work on healing from old wounds. We think as parents that it’s been done for a gazillion years. It’s intuitive; it should be easy. The fact is, we have layers and layers of learned behaviors on top of that intuition. It’s pretty rare that you can just listen to your gut and respond effectively.
Don’t take the easy way out. Put in the work to settle into middle ground. You will find that it can be pretty comfortable there.