Racism and bigotry are not just taught in explicit words or overt hate. They are absorbed through silence, tone, behavior, avoidance, and discomfort. They grow in the spaces where fear is left unexplored, where shame is used as a tool, and where curiosity is shut down. It starts early, long before a child has the language to name it.
It is hard to read the paper or turn on the TV without seeing images of families being separated, conversations about who belongs here and who doesn’t, or whispers about who is in our children’s classes. At Connective Parenting, we believe the parenting choices we make—how we speak, what we model, and how we respond to big emotions—are at the very heart of shaping the strength, values, and resilience of our children. All of the parents we talk to have the same goal: to heal their own wounds, be more connected and empathetic parents, and support their children in being the best versions of themselves in a peaceful and connected world. It’s time to claim the family as the foundation of anti-racism.
Children Learn Who Belongs By Watching Us
Babies and toddlers are attuned to everything around them. They don’t miss the quick grip of a parent’s hand when someone different walks by, or the sudden hush when certain topics are brought up. I am guilty of this myself. Hushing a child who asks why “that lady” has a headscarf, or why the girl in the class looks different than her parents. These things may feel uncomfortable to talk about in the supermarket aisle or at the school concert. Avoidance may be well-intentioned (not to make the other person feel uncomfortable), but I can tell you right now, those families are probably already uncomfortable. Avoiding the topic, shushing your child, or redirecting the conversation to something else entirely sends the unintended message of “we don’t talk about that, we don’t look at that, we don’t explore those things because they are different and uncomfortable”. By the time our children reach school age, they have already internalized powerful, unspoken messages about who is safe, who is “other,” and who matters.
Without conscious effort, many children absorb biases that reflect a society still grappling with difference as anything but strange or bad, and possibly dangerous. If we do not interrupt this cycle in early childhood, it only deepens.
Aware Parenting is Empowerment in Action
Aware parenting invites us to:
- Name differences without fear – giving children appropriate language that they can use to advocate for themselves and others is never a bad thing.
- Encourage curiosity instead of shame – Helping children expand their minds and become more flexible thinkers who ask insightful questions helps them in any situation.
- Repair our mistakes with accountability, not perfectionism – This allows our children to see that courage and strength come from how we handle our own mistakes and misconceptions, and that healthy relationships grow from open communication with each other. You don’t need to be a perfect parent, just an honest one.
- Validate emotional experiences, even the uncomfortable ones – It’s okay to admit that something makes you uncomfortable or that you have made a mistake. Talk about emotional experiences and why you or your child might feel big feelings about a topic or situation. Break it down to give it context. How were you feeling? What was happening around you? Were you having a bad day? Were you stressed about something? Personal agendas and context matter when evaluating emotional experiences.
When a child says something biased, the goal is not to scold or ignore—it’s to explore. To ask: “What makes you think that?” and guide them back to empathy and understanding for others. Sometimes this means that we, as adults, need to look at the unconscious messages that our parents gave us and that we send to our children.
This doesn’t mean being hyper “woke.” It simply means noticing when we treat, think about, or respond to someone differently than we would someone we identify with—because of race, ability, ethnicity, culture, or diagnosis. We must examine our own discomfort, silence, and the beliefs we carry from our own childhoods to correct course with our children. This internal reflection has always been at the core of the Connective Parenting work we believe in and promote. Connective Parenting believes that parents do the best they can with the knowledge and experience that they have. It is this ability to self-reflect and see that our ideas and beliefs may have come from well-intentioned, yet flawed individuals working with limited knowledge of differences. We know more now and can do better for our children. Understanding how our internal reactions shape our external responses is the key to a more prosperous future for our children.
Raising the Next Generation to Belong Everywhere
Raising anti-racist children isn’t about giving them the right answers—it’s about giving them the capacity to sit with questions, to see themselves in others, and to know how to navigate discomfort with integrity. When we model curiosity about differences, we open doors of connection our children could never have imagined. Recently, I participated in a workshop on unconscious bias. One woman told a story of talking with her daughter about a new classmate who wore a hijab. This parent caught herself instinctively calling it “strange.” Realizing the discomfort came from her own limited exposure, she paused and said, “You know what? I don’t actually know much about hijabs—let’s learn together.” That night, they watched a short documentary on cultural expressions through fashion, opening the door to model curiosity over judgment and beginning to unlearn a bias she hadn’t even realized she held.
By parenting with connection, awareness, and emotional literacy, we prepare our children not just to survive in a divided world—but to change it.
Let’s stop asking, “How do I talk to my child about racism?” and start asking, “What am I modeling every day about belonging, power, fairness, and difference?”
More Free Resources from Connective Parenting:
How to Talk to Your Kids About the Hard Stuff
“Bad” Preschool Behavior, Racism and Screentime
Tell Me About Your Kids Podcast Episode 66 Community Pieces: Denial Is The Heartbeat of Racism