Does this sound familiar? (read with a tone of frustration and blame)
- Don’t do that! You know you’re not supposed to….
- What do I have to do to get you to listen to me?
- Stop hitting. Cut it out.
- How many times do I have to tell you?!
- Quiet down, you’re just too much!
Imagine being the child on the receiving end of this. What happens to you when you hear “Why can’t you just listen?!”
Do you tense up, look away, run off, shut down? Where does your focus go?
As a child, depending on your temperament and how you have learned to avoid trouble, you choose a defense mechanism that keeps you safe. When you hear that familiar tone of frustration in the adults around you, you immediately hide behind your wall—your defense of choice. This could be yelling, crying, avoidance, laughing, people pleasing, becoming invisible, or anything else that shifts attention away from you.
Children don’t focus on the effects of their behavior when called out; they focus on themselves and strategize how to keep from getting in “trouble”. Reading the room and strategizing get more and more fine-tuned as children get older. To them, this is necessary for survival. A caregiver who is mad, unresponsive, or, in their eyes, no longer loves them could stop caring for them. So, that defensive response is a baked-in reaction to being called out and a desire to stay in the safety of the group.
We teach our children early to defend themselves from all sorts of attacks; some lessons are intentional, and some are not. Some are seen, and some are unseen through emotional leverage and coercion. We intend for our lessons to protect them in the outside world against bullies, predators, and negative friendship dynamics. But we then get angry when they do what we have taught them, and they defend themselves against us, our guilt and coercion, claiming they never take responsibility for their actions. Does this sound familiar? It’s hard to hear, but I bet an accurate description.
Blame specifically and necessarily provokes defensive behavior.
Blame and the defense mechanisms it provokes become obstacles in our ability to take true responsibility for our actions. It assumes intention and malice, backs an individual into a corner, and leaves no room for conversation, understanding, and real learning. So, what’s a kid to do? In reality, a true understanding of conscience is built through experiencing the natural effects of behavior, best when nothing interferes, and the consequence can be felt in the body and in the physical world. From there, a door to dialogue, understanding, and learning can take place. This kind of lesson can be observed in different situations, and an understanding of cause and effect develops. This is how the brain works. Blame and shame short-circuit this system.
When we blame our children in a way similar to how we may have been blamed as children, we are literally preventing them from learning how to take responsibility for the situation at hand. The easy-going and compliant child will likely apologize or make the amends a parent insists on, but the blame can lead to embedded shame that causes the child to believe he is not good. Forced apologies become just that—forced rather than rooted in a desire to make amends or do the right thing. Later, they may lead to a rather snide, “Saawrry!” And then we have taught the child that “sorry” is all that’s required.
We want our children to learn right from wrong and to have intrinsic motivation to do what’s right rather than only what they are told to do. Many of us were taught that blame, threats, and punishment are the only ways to teach right from wrong. It’s the only system we know until we learn a new one. So, we continue to blame out of fear that our children will “never learn” if we don’t tell them how wrong they are. This is our fear based on distrust of the child’s innate abilities and desires to be successful—an essential belief for unconditional acceptance.
Deflecting blame by running away, fighting back, laughing, covering ears, hitting, lying, yelling “you’re not the boss of me”, “you’re stupid”, “you’re so mean”—are all defensive reactions to retaliate for the blame children feel. Those defense mechanisms obstruct their experience of natural consequences and the development of conscience.
Children start building their wall of defense at a surprisingly early age. A two or three-year-old who slams into his baby brother or “accidentally” kicks him in the head will look at you when the baby starts to cry rather than at the baby, when he is used to being called out for it. It’s all about him and what will happen to him.
Some children become overly concerned about how you feel, which translates to how are you going to treat me? “Are you happy, Mommy?” means the child has learned to take responsibility for his mother’s feelings. Her happiness means he can relax.
Resist the automatic tone of blame and replace it with doing nothing… yet. Deal with what has been harmed or who has been hurt and ignore the offender. When the offender learns they will not get “in trouble”, they will hang around. When you have calmed, ask if they would like to get the icepack from the freezer, hand them the dust pan and broom or the cleaner and rag, remind them that you are talking and would like them to listen, bring the box for the toys or mess to go in, etc., all of which allow them to make amends. They may not go for it until they truly trust they will not get blamed or punished. Then—and only then—will they begin to effortlessly take responsibility, cooperate, and learn from the natural consequences of their behavior.