By Shannon McNamara, Connective Parenting Associate Director
Parenting is one of the most rewarding, yet hardest, things you’ll ever do. Not only are you responsible for guiding your children through their journey, but many of us find ourselves facing unresolved themes from our childhoods. These past experiences influence how we interact with our children, often in ways we don’t even realize.
Understanding Childhood Trauma
What do we mean by childhood trauma? Childhood trauma is any harmful or upsetting experience from childhood that leaves a lasting impact on your emotions and behavior. These can be big things like abuse and neglect, or less obvious events like losing a loved one, growing up in a stressful or unstable home, bullying, simply feeling unheard, etc.. Even when we work through the major events, leftover emotions or beliefs can pop up unexpectedly and disrupt our current life.
When we become parents, these old wounds can reappear, making us overly sensitive to our child’s behavior or unsure how to react. This is especially true if our own needs were unmet as children. If we were told to “stop crying. Don’t be a baby” when we were children we might overreact to every little bump our child has, or react with anger when our child carries on about a scape that we see as “not that bad”.
So, how can we respond to our kids without passing on our own triggers?
Breaking the Cycle
Healing childhood wounds, whether big or small, while parenting is about breaking the cycle and developing some understanding of what is affecting you. It means learning how to understand your own emotional triggers and choosing to respond from a place of connection and empathy, rather than reacting out of fear and old patterns. Here’s how Connective Parenting can help you along the way:
- Self-Reflection
When your child triggers a strong reaction, you can try asking yourself these questions: “Is this bothering other people or just me?”, “Is this really a big deal”, or “What is really going on here?” Can you see the actual facts of the situation aside from the emotions you feel? Try to pinpoint if you are reacting to your child, or if you are responding from an old place of pain. By identifying the root of your response, you can separate your past from your present. - Compassion for Yourself
Parenting is hard, especially when you’re healing at the same time. Allow yourself the space to feel and work through these emotions, and remind yourself that healing is a process. This may mean taking walks when you get overstimulated, taking an extra minute to stare at running water and briefly zone out, or pausing for a count of ten before responding to something. These little brain breaks give your brain a chance to catch up to your big emotions and you will be able to address a situation from a clearer, non-judgmental, place. - The Magic of Empathy
Empathy can be an incredible tool in building strong relationships with your child. Instead of seeing your child’s difficult behavior as a personal attack or failure, try to understand the emotions behind it. Ask yourself, “What is my child trying to tell me right now?”, “What are they needing?”. Your child, just like you, could be struggling to communicate their emotions and needs. - Rewriting the Story
One of the most empowering parts of healing is realizing that you can rewrite the story. Just because you experienced challenges doesn’t mean you have to pass it on. You have the opportunity to break the cycle by creating a safe, supportive environment for your children—one where they feel seen, heard, and valued. This starts with communication. Communicating your thoughts, needs, and wants in a kind and proactive way is just as important as trying to hear your children’s thoughts, needs, and wants. These are reciprocal relationships, and if we want our children to learn how to be kind, and empathetic to people in the outside world we need to show them the kindness and empathy that we wish we had experienced as children.
Practical Steps to Changing the Story
- Seek Support
Whether it’s through therapy, parent support groups, or trusted friends, reaching out for support is a game-changer. Self-reflection is hard and healing doesn’t have to happen in isolation. Sometimes, talking through a situation or sharing past hurts with someone you trust can help you understand your triggers and work through sticking points in healthy ways. - Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness practices, like silent walks in nature, meditation, or journaling, can help you stay in the moment and be aware of your emotional state. When you notice yourself revving up or responding in a way that feels unstable, pause, breathe, and ground yourself (try counting to 10) before responding to your child. - Model Healthy Emotions
Show your children that emotions are normal and that it’s okay to talk about them. When you make a mistake or lose your temper, model what it looks like to take responsibility and apologize. This teaches your children the value of repair in relationships. - Prioritize Self-Care
Taking care of your own emotional and physical needs is not selfish—it’s essential. When you are well-rested and feel good about yourself, you are more likely to parent from a calm, connected place.
Patience in Connection
Healing old childhood wounds is a journey, not a destination. There will always be ups and downs, and each time you feel like you have reached a place of resolution you will find a new, challenge pop-up. Each challenge may feel more doable. This work takes time, but each step you take toward healing not only benefits you but also your children. When you work on your own emotional well-being, you model resilience and emotional intelligence for your kids, setting the stage for them to grow up feeling secure and connected.
Remember, it’s never too late to break the cycle. Your past does not define your future—or your children’s.
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