How to Repair Yourself after Losing Control

Nothing is more important for your children than your own well-being.

One mom said, “If I hear one more time, fill your own cup first, I will scream. I don’t have time for yoga classes and coffee with friends.” I hear you. I would like to offer a different way to keep your cup full, your energy balanced, and your responses controlled.

It’s not all the time. It’s those moments when your child says or does that thing, gives that look or throws that punch, and you lose control. Everything you hear and read about tells you to stay calm, to stop and breathe to avoid that parenting road rage. Like it’s that easy. In the heat of the moment, it’s impossible. Instead, once again you feel like a failure.

What I’m suggesting isn’t easy. And it takes time, focus, and commitment. But you can do it piece by piece without getting out of your pajamas. You don’t have to do anything in the heat of the moment. It’s what you do after that keeps building and improving your relationship.

No one learns anything when their brain is emotionally flooded. Not you, not your child. Your amygdala is fired, and your thinking brain is completely irrational. And if yours is, what can you expect of your child?

What to do:

Nothing in the moment. Wait until you are calm and rational. Then,
Know your button was pushed. Own it. It’s your button with roots in your past that caused you to take your child’s behavior personally. Your child is not responsible for your button. But if you have one or ten, he will push them!
Write down:

Your reactions – yelling, screaming, threatening, getting sarcastic, giving in, giving up
Your emotions – hopeless, guilty, enraged, resentful, afraid, overwhelmed, powerless, embarrassed (as many as you can identify). Angry is not good enough. Get specific.
Ask yourself – If I felt that way what must I have been thinking? Identify your thoughts, assumptions when your button got pushed.
Reframe your assumptions to be more factual

The Emotional Chain Reaction

Your thoughts generate your emotions which then provoke your reactions. If you want to change your reactions, go back and look at what you were thinking.

Assumptions are your thoughts, judgements, perceptions, fears – not the facts

- He’s so inconsiderate, will never learn, violent, mean, lazy, never listens, thinks only of herself. No one will ever like him. She’ll never have any friends.
- I’m a failure. I can’t do this. Why do I have to be the one? Why is my child the only one like this? I’m not good enough. No one ever listens to me. It’s my fault.

When you think this way, is it any wonder you feel the way you do?

2. Reframed Assumptions by stating the facts only

He wants what he wants when he wants it. That’s ok, just really annoying.
Her violent behavior means she’s in pain, upset, not getting what she wants. She’s having a problem, not being a problem.
He does listen. He just doesn’t like when I tell him what to do.
She is egocentric. That’s normal. Of course she thinks about what she wants.
His tenacity will serve him well.
I’m exhausted and need a break. I can do this, just not when I’m drained. I need help.
When everyone is regulated, they do listen to me.

When you think more factually without judgement, over time your emotions will change and so too your reactions. It’s all in how you think.

Anger leads to reaction; compassion leads to response. You can stay calm when you think differently. You can always get to compassion if you understand your child is having a problem, not being a problem. You, too!

When your child is having a problem, it’s time to pay attention to how they feel about themselves. If a child believes he is bad, he behaves badly. If she hears often enough a tone and words that blame her for being mean or violent, she will fulfill that prophesy. When a child is criticized for behaving badly, he may stop in the moment, he may run off, he may laugh to make you think he doesn’t care. These are defensive actions chosen to protect himself from more emotional hurt. Isn’t it worth it to break down those defenses?

If you are unable to do this exercise of identifying and reframing your assumptions, there is deeper work to be done. Your past trauma from childhood is rearing its head and reacting to your child against your wishes. Thomas Hubl defines trauma as anything that was so overwhelming to our nervous system that we couldn’t integrate it, so we hardened off around it. This is a protective and intelligent response. The challenge is breaking thru that hardened part now that the threat to the nervous system is gone. Your child’s behavior pushes through that hardening, triggers your nervous system, and you feel unsafe again. So you defend yourself with your reactions. You don’t have to.

Your button-pushing child is the most important teacher you will ever have. He triggers in you just what you need to learn. Are you willing to listen or will you pass on your trauma by reacting in fury or throwing up your arms in defeat? Your reactions are your defenses trying to protect you from further pain. Compassion for yourself is the place to begin.

Healthy Boundaries are Necessary to Set Good Limits

Understanding Your Stubborn Child

Free Guide: Integrity Kids & Harmony Kids: Why Some are Defiant and Some are Cooperative