The courts will sort out what happened and who is responsible. But as a parent, one question keeps me up at night: What about everyone else? What about the young men who saw those messages and put their phones down? The ones who knew something was wrong, that night or afterward, and did nothing?
I want to talk about that question with you, gently and honestly, because I believe we can do better, and because our children are counting on us to.
This is personal for me
My son is in college right now. He’s seeing things that are not okay, and he’s one of the few people who says so out loud. I am proud of him. I am also scared for him, because speaking up when no one else does is lonely, and it can cost you. I have two daughters who will leave home in a few years and walk into parties, dorms, and group chats of their own. Their safety will depend partly on whether the people around them are willing to act.
So when I ask how we raise children who don’t stand by, I’m asking for my own family too.
How did so many stay silent?
It’s tempting to say those young men were simply oblivious. Some may condone their peers’ actions. But most bystanders aren’t monsters. They’re ordinary kids who learned, somewhere along the way, that staying quiet is safer.
Where do they learn that? Too often, from us. Not on purpose. But think about what happens in many homes and schools when a child tells the truth about something hard. They get reprimanded. “Why didn’t you just leave?” “What were you even doing there?” “You’d better not be mixed up in this.” A child who gets in trouble for telling the truth learns that maybe the truth doesn’t matter. A child that learns that bringing “trouble” to an adult brings trouble on themselves, and will learn to keep their mouth shut.
Harsh, punitive parenting teaches children to focus on one question: How do I stay out of trouble? It doesn’t teach them to ask: Who is getting hurt, and what can I do? When fear runs the show, conscience gets quiet.
Boys get this message loud and clear. We tell them to toughen up, not to cry, not to snitch, not to be “that guy.” We praise them for fitting in with the team. Then we’re shocked when, at nineteen, they choose the group over the girl upstairs.
We didn’t get here alone
I also want to speak to parents who are already doing the hard work. Families don’t raise children in a vacuum. Schools that ignore or punish the kid who reports bullying, coaches who reward silence, social cultures that call loyalty a virtue no matter what, and institutions that protect their reputation before their people all shape our kids too. When the adults in charge look away, children learn that looking away is what grown-ups do.
Many of us were raised with shame and punishment ourselves. We are doing our best with parenting tools we didn’t choose, or maybe never had. That’s not an excuse. It’s a starting point.
What we can do instead
Raising a child who speaks up starts long before college. Here’s what I believe helps:
Make it safe to tell the truth. When your child brings you something hard, your first job is to listen, not to react. Try: “I’m so glad you told me. Let’s figure this out together.” A child who feels safe telling you will feel safer telling others.
Even if you know it’s not true. Listen and ask questions. Don’t blame or accuse. Validate what it must have felt like.
Talk about the moment before it happens. Ask your kids, “What would you do if a friend was too drunk to get home? If someone in a group chat posted something cruel or scary?” Practice what they might say. Courage is easier when it’s been rehearsed.
Give them small, doable actions. Speaking up doesn’t always mean confronting a crowd. It can mean getting a friend out of a room, calling for help, telling a trusted adult, or refusing to laugh along. Any action is better than none.
Teach that loyalty has limits. Real friendship means caring about what’s right, not covering for a friend while someone is being hurt.
Model it yourself. Our children watch what we do. When a neighbor needs help, what do you do? When someone makes a cruel joke at dinner, what is your reaction? or when a friend teases or says something bad about another friend, What is your response? Our kids learn more from that than from any talk you give.
Honor courage, even when it’s messy. When your child stands up for someone, praise the choice, not just the outcome. And if it costs them a friendship, a place in the group, or a spot on the team, sit with them in that loss.
A word of comfort
If you’re raising a child, especially a son, who already speaks up, I see you. It’s hard to watch them pay a price for doing the right thing. Tell them it matters. Tell them they’re not alone. And find other families who share these values, because our kids need a community of upstanders, not just one brave voice.
If you’re worried you haven’t taught this yet, it’s not too late. Start with your next conversation. Start with listening.
That young woman needed just one person in that chat to say “This is wrong” and do something about it. Let’s raise children who will be that person. And let’s become a community that has their backs when they are.
https://www.connectiveparenting.com/bully-kids-out-of-bullying/
https://www.connectiveparenting.com/what-the-metoo-movement-can-teach-parents/
