Shame is one of the most powerful emotions a child can experience, yet it often goes unnoticed in the way we parent. It hides behind tantrums, defiance, withdrawal, and even dishonesty. When children feel shame, they don’t just feel bad about what they’ve done—they feel bad about who they are. And that can change how they see themselves for years to come.
Many of us were raised with shame as a tool for behavior control. Phrases like, “You should be ashamed of yourself,” “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or even an exasperated sigh and eye roll can send a powerful message: There’s something wrong with you. As parents, we may not even realize we’re doing it. But when we shame our children, even unintentionally, we may be reinforcing the very behaviors we’re trying to change.
Shame vs. Guilt: What’s the Difference?
Shame and guilt are often confused, but they are very different emotions. Guilt is about what we do, while shame is about who we are. Guilt can be helpful—it tells us we’ve made a mistake and encourages us to make it right. But shame makes a child feel as if they are the mistake.
For example, if a child spills a drink, a guilt-based response might be: “Oops, accidents happen. Let’s clean it up together.” A shame-based response might be: “That was careless! You always make a mess.” The first response teaches responsibility; the second damages self-worth. Over time, repeated experiences of shame can make a child believe they are not good enough, leading to insecurity, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
How Our Reactions Shape a Child’s Self-Perception
As parents, our reactions to our children’s behavior are often shaped by our own experiences. If we were shamed as children, we may unconsciously use the same language and reactions with our own kids. I know this on a personal level. My own children have told me that I have weaponized sighing in front of them – something that I didn’t even know I was doing. The key to breaking this cycle is recognizing that our responses come from our thoughts and assumptions about behavior.
Imagine your child talks back when you ask them to turn off their video game. Your initial reaction might be frustration or even anger: “They’re being so disrespectful!” But if we pause and dig deeper, we might see another possibility: Maybe my child is struggling with transitions. Maybe they’re feeling unheard. Maybe they had a hard day at school and this is their way of expressing frustration.
By shifting our mindset from “My child is bad” to “My child is struggling”, we can respond with connection rather than shame. Instead of, “You’re so rude!” try “I know, it’s really hard to turn it off. I get it. Let’s work together on a plan so it’s easier next time.” This keeps the child’s dignity intact while still setting limits.
Common Shame-Based Parenting Patterns (and What to Do Instead)
- Blaming and Labeling
- Shame-Based Response: “You’re so lazy! You never do your homework!”
- Connective Response: “I see you’re having trouble getting started on your homework. What’s making it hard for you today?”
- Public Humiliation
- Shame-Based Response: “Stop crying! You’re bothering people!”
- Connective Response: “I see that you’re upset. I’m here with you. Let’s take a deep breath together.”
- Comparing to Others
- Shame-Based Response: “Why can’t you behave like your sister?”
- Connective Response: “I can see you’re having a hard time with this. Let’s figure out what will help you.”
- Dismissing Emotions
- Shame-Based Response: “You’re fine. Stop being so dramatic.” or “Stop being so sensitive. Get over it.”
- Connective Response: “It looks like this is really upsetting to you. Want to talk about it?” or “It looks like you really felt that. How can I help you right now?”
An Easy Activity to Shift from Shame to Connection
One way to become more aware of how shame appears in our parenting is to reflect on our own childhood experiences. Take a moment to answer these questions:
- When you were a child, how did the adults in your life respond when you made a mistake?
- Were you ever made to feel ashamed for something? How did it impact you?
- What messages about yourself did you carry into adulthood from those experiences?
Now, think about how you want your child to feel when they make a mistake. What words and actions can you use to help them learn without feeling ashamed? Writing down alternative responses can help make them feel more normal in the moment.
Building a Shame-Free Home
Creating a home where children feel safe from shame doesn’t mean letting go of discipline—it means shifting our focus to guidance and connection. Here are some simple ways to make that shift:
- Pause Before Reacting: Take a deep breath before responding to your child’s behavior. Ask yourself, “Is my response coming from frustration, or is it helping my child learn?”
- Focus on Solutions, Not Punishment: Instead of asking, “Who did this?” when there’s a mess, try “How can we fix this together?”
- Model Self-Compassion: If you lose your temper, repair the connection. “I was really frustrated, and I spoke too harshly. I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”
- Help Kids Process Their Feelings: If your child makes a mistake, instead of saying “You should feel bad,” try “It looks like that didn’t go the way you wanted. What do you think you could do next time?”
Final Thoughts
Shame doesn’t teach—it wounds. It makes children feel small, unworthy, and disconnected from the very people they need most. But when we replace shame with connection, we give our children the tools to grow into confident, compassionate, and resilient people.
Parenting without shame doesn’t mean perfection. It simply means being mindful, curious, and willing to shift old patterns. And every time you pause to connect instead of react, you’re building a home where your child feels safe, valued, and deeply loved.
If this post was helpful, here are some other articles that you might like:
Empathy in Action: Nurturing Growth in Your Child
The Difference Between Limits and Boundaries and Why It’s so Important