You know that stage-when your child thinks using “potty talk” is just too fun and funny to stop. But, what motivates this “rude” behavior?
Q: We have a boy 4 turning 5 next month, and we really have a lot of toilet talk going on. We’ve tried ignoring it and e
xplaining why it’s not okay and that it’s not okay to use in our house, nothing seems to work he just lays around and says: penis, boobies, vagina and others – no swear words but typical toilet talk. He will poke me or others and say I can see your booby, bum bum etc. also with his 1 year old sister and dogs etc. One older friend exacerbates this, and we notice that when they are together it is much worse but our almost 5 yo certainly says it too much. Any advice would be appreciated as it’s starting to be such a theme and hard to help him know that it’s not okay to yell this and say it all the time.
A. I’m afraid he yells these words “all the time” because he’s learned how powerful they are due to negative reactions.
Your son is right on target developmentally.
This is the fun language of most 4-5 year old boys, and often girls, too. Think about why. They have been learning so much about their bodies, and at this age, they are understanding the differences between girls and boys and paying more attention to what their body parts are for.
So instead of seeing potty talk as something that is too much, and he needs to be taught it is not okay, think instead what he is asking to learn about. The problem comes when an adult perspective hears potty talk, places adult values on them, and assumes that if not curtailed now they will never stop.
Kids Grow Out of “Potty Talk”
I have not heard of any kids who do not grow out of this perfectly normal developmental stage. As soon as they learn the social norms around them—not the messages that they are bad words—they find them embarrassing and do not use them in public.
Much better than telling him not to use these words in your house (where better to use them?), your job is to teach him what he is asking to learn. When he says penis, boobies, vagina—except for boobies—he is using the correct terms and should be acknowledged for that. So instead of “stop being so rude, you can’t use words like that, or those words are not nice” try, “You are really learning what our body parts are called.”
Give him a quiz by pointing to all your body parts and his and the dog’s and asking him to name them. If he says boobies, you can say, “Actually the correct term is breasts. Do you know what breasts are for?” Great opportunity to remind him of their purpose to nurture our babies—and puppies.
He’ll get tired of these teaching moments and pointing out your boobies if he thinks you’re going to tell him again about how they nurture babies! He will be bored and talk about them only with his friends who will giggle with him. Let that be a good outlet for his energy around this as it will dissipate soon enough.
Reframing “Potty Talk”
And why is it we call them “potty talk” or “toilet words”? What’s the association we’re making? They don’t have anything to do with the toilet or bathroom. Body-talk would make more sense. If his body-talk is continuous and mostly gibberish, you can tell him you are not in the mood to hear them right now, but he can go in his room and say them to his stuffed animals. Then when you are able, play the body-talk game with him. Repeat back what he says or make up your own and get silly together. There is no harm in this because I promise you, when he is old enough to really embarrass you, he will be over it.
Because of their intense curiosity about bodies, this is the age to teach children about sex and where babies come from. First, they are so curious, not yet grossed out, and can actually learn about the whys and hows. Second, you are not nearly as embarrassed as teaching an older child who is grossed out. The children who learn about sex at this age are far less interested in childish sex play later on. Don’t you want to be the one where they get their information? Put it off till later and they will get it elsewhere.
When you tell him to stop with the “potty talk”, that it’s not okay and it’s rude, it’s your embarrassed adult sensitivity that is talking. Remember kids are not embarrassed by this – yet. Your fear of him learning inappropriate words and behavior gets in your way of seeing and hearing your child. When you teach him they are bad words to say, he learns they are bad, and you are provoking him to throw them around to push your buttons.
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