The “Wait until 8th” Pledge

Mom and DaughterQ.  As I navigate my way through the influence of technology my fears are around knowing that I have a certain amount of control right now while my kids are 5 and 7, but what about later? I’ve taken the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, committing to not giving my kids phones until at least 8th grade. And even then, I would lean toward “dumb” phones. But perhaps what scares me most is how being on social media will affect them when they reach that stage. It’s something I never had to experience myself. The bullying, anxiety, eating disorders, and everything else that stems from the weight of that world frightens me. And what I hear from others and read in The Anxious Generation, is that kids find a way to be on those platforms, even when devices are limited at home. What can I do now to set them up for the healthiest possible choices since they’ll likely “find a way” once they reach teenagehood.

A. Good for you. I am hoping that by the time your children are having kids, “Wait until 8th” will not even have a clever name because it will be fully accepted and implemented in all families. Even though it is the smartest thing to do for our kids today, its success depends entirely on how many parents of your kids’ friends take the pledge. 

You and every other parent in your generation and older has never experienced what you are up against in this technology-driven world. But I do have hope for the kids who are natives in this world having a better handle on it for their kids.

Along with your fear about how they will be ready to handle a phone by 8th grade, should be your concern and thus preparation for the pressure that is likely to come on strong when your kids are feeling left out because their friends have phones, and they don’t. This, I believe, is the biggest struggle—weighing the balance between restricting phones and social media that is wreaking havoc with our children’s minds – and – your child’s devastating feelings of being bullied, ostracized, or left out because they don’t have a phone.

I suggest preparing for that pressure now by:

Mom and Daughter talking1) talking to your kids about your pledge, why you have taken it, and how much you want your children to come on board with you. While you still have control as you say—I would call it influence because we never have control over others—ask your children what kind of pledge they can make. This is an exercise not to be counted on in the heat of middle school, but to help your kids feel part of the pledge and stronger in the face of their friends.

2) Organize your children’s friend’s parents and get them on board.

The only way the pledge will truly work is strength in numbers. The more parents take the pledge the fewer children will feel left out by not having a phone.

The reason to wait until 8th grade is because your kid’s brains will be a good deal more developed and better able to discern what’s good for them and bad for them. Most experts are calling for no social media until high school for this reason. They will have a longer period of time to develop self-confidence (with your influence), and the prefrontal cortex will be stronger to withstand social pressures.

The self-confidence piece is your job.

It is well researched that children who are brought up in critical, judgmental and punitive families lack self-confidence and thus the ability to withstand the influences of their peers. They more easily dip into depression and mental health issues. 

Self-confidence comes from feeling seen and heard, knowing that your opinions are important to your family, and that you have agency and control in your life. When children know they are understood and supported in who they are and what they want, they are far better equipped to withstand whatever life shoves their way.

Increase Resilience in Your Kids

With more self-confidence, they will be stronger when facing the bullying and anxiety that can arise through social media. And they will be able to put all the good technology to use. I don’t believe it is useful to keep technology away entirely because it is the reality of our world. Our children need to grow up in this world rather than a bubble of what you want their world to look like. 

Mom and Son ReadingRegulated games and programs and searches for the information that can be useful to them can and should start at your children’s ages, so they learn to navigate this world. Their contact with all the influences out there should definitely wait until 8th grade.

Take the “Wait Until 8th” Pledge

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