We, parents, want to “do it all well.” We want to be good parents, make the right choices, and give our kids the best. That’s a beautiful thing. It shows how deeply we care about their well-being and future. But sometimes, our desire to “get it right” can actually make things harder—for us and for our kids.
When we focus too much on doing it right, we can slip into habits that hurt connection and shrink their ability to be in the world as whole, independent people. We might become overprotective, stuck in rigid ideas about what’s “right,” or blind to feedback that could help us grow. These habits aren’t on purpose. They come from love and fear. But they can close us off from the very connection we want to build with our kids.
The “Good Parent” Trap
Being a “good parent” is a lot of pressure. There are endless books, blogs, videos, and experts giving advice on the next tip or trick. Every parent Tik-Tok influencer has a “Five Things That Make Your Child Successful” video. Add to that the pressure of our own childhood experiences, or what friends and family think, and it’s easy to feel like we’re always being graded.
When we believe there’s one right way to parent, we try to follow rules or stick to a “perfect plan.” But good parenting isn’t a checklist. It’s a relationship. Kids are unique, and what works for one may not work for another (as any sibling will quickly tell you). What’s right in one moment may change in the next. Trying to parent perfectly can cause us to miss what’s happening right in front of us.
Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly, calls this “comparison culture.” Comparison culture is pressure to both fit in and stand out simultaneously. In other words, “Be like everyone else, but better”. She reminds us that striving to be perfect can actually keep us from being real with our children. And being real is where true connection lives.
Overprotection: Love Wrapped in Fear
One of the first places this shows up is in being overprotective. When we want to “do it well,” we try to protect our kids from discomfort, failure, or disappointment. Of course we want our kids to be safe. But overprotection can send the message that we don’t believe in their ability to handle life.
This kind of fear-based protection limits our children’s opportunities to learn, stretch, and grow. Children develop emotional strength when they are allowed to explore without guardrails, feel their feelings, and work through hard moments with support—not when those moments are completely avoided. Children need to fail BIG, get hurt, and learn how to work through fear.
When we shield them too much, we may increase their anxiety instead of building resilience.
Closed-Mindedness: “I Know What’s Best”
Sometimes, our desire to parent “well” causes us to shut out new ideas. We may believe there’s only one right way to raise children—and it’s the way we’re doing it. I hear “what you need to do” from other parents all the time. This need to have all the answers can come from fear that if we try something new, we might “fail” and our children will be disappointed or hurt.
But children change. Families change. The world changes. Parenting must be flexible. Staying open-minded means being willing to learn, to listen, and even to say, “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.”
One of the hardest things to do as a parent is admit that we might need to grow ourselves (and **Hint, Hint** we all do). But it’s also one of the most powerful gifts we can give our kids: modeling what learning and changing looks like.
Confirmation Bias: Finding What We Want to See
Confirmation bias is when we look for evidence that supports what we already believe. So if we believe we’re failing, we’ll highlight every mistake. If we believe our child is “difficult,” we’ll focus on all the challenging behaviors and miss the moments of kindness, curiosity, or growth.
This bias can block connection and make us rigid or reactive. It can certainly make us judge our children unfairly.
Being aware of this bias helps us pause and ask: Am I seeing the whole picture? What else might be true? This kind of reflection brings more understanding and compassion into our relationships.
From Doing It Right to Being In Relationship
So, what can we do instead?
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- Notice Your Triggers
When you feel yourself needing to be “right” or “perfect,” pause. What are you really feeling? Fear? Shame? Doubt? Recognizing the root feeling helps you respond more calmly and clearly. - Shift the Goal
Instead of aiming to be the “best parent,” aim to be a connected parent. Connection doesn’t require perfection. It asks for presence, honesty, and empathy. - Flip the Bias If you find yourself catastrophizing, flip the bias. Seek out positive reasons for any circumstance. Stubbornness becomes “knowing their own mind” or “persistence”. Mistakes become “learning opportunities”. High-energy becomes “eagerness” and “a zest for life”!
- Stay Curious
Try asking open questions: What’s going on with my child? What might they need right now? Stay curious about yourself, too: Why did I react that way? What does that tell me about my own story? - Practice Repair
You will make mistakes. All parents do. What matters most is how you come back. Repairing with your child—apologizing, listening, trying again—builds trust and shows them that relationships can weather storms. - Get Support
You don’t have to do this alone. Connect with other parents, join a support group, or reach out to a parenting coach. Sharing the journey with others reduces shame and builds confidence.
- Notice Your Triggers
Wanting to do parenting well is a beautiful instinct. It shows love. But perfection isn’t the goal—connection is. Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be present, honest, and willing to grow with them.
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