No matter how hard we try to parent without shame, there will be moments when we react in ways we regret. Maybe we snap at our child for making a mess, call them “selfish” when they refuse to share, or roll our eyes when they ask a question for the hundredth time (I have done all of these things at some point in my parenting, BTW). In those moments, shame sneaks into our words and tone, and we see the impact in our child’s face—hurt, withdrawal, or defensiveness. To be fair, parents are just as entitled to their true feelings and emotions as our children are – and sometimes children simply drive us crazy!
The good news? It’s never too late to repair. Even when you have lost your cool and reacted in old patterns all is not lost. Parents are people too. Parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about learning, growing, and reconnecting after mistakes. And when we take responsibility for our reactions, we teach our children that mistakes don’t define them—or us.
Step 1: Recognizing the Shame Reaction
A shame reaction often happens when we feel overwhelmed, embarrassed, or triggered by our child’s behavior. Our response might come out as rage, sarcasm, punishment, or a blaming tone. The first step in recovering is simply noticing when we’ve reacted this way. Anger as long as you own it and don’t blame it on your child.
Take a moment to reflect:
- What was happening just before I reacted with shame?
- What thoughts went through my mind about my child in that moment?
- Did I feel judged as a parent? Did my own childhood experiences play a role?
Checking in with yourself is essential in figuring out why you reacted the way you did and helps you understand the impulse so that you can work on changing your reaction. Many of our shame-based reactions come from our own past. If we were shamed as children, we may instinctively use the same language and tone without realizing it. Identifying these patterns helps us break the cycle.
Step 2: Reconnecting with Your Child
After a shame reaction, the most important thing you can do is repair the connection. Children are incredibly forgiving when we own our mistakes and show them we care. And pro tip, It is never too late to make a repair, even if years have passed. Children will always be open to hearing an adult acknowledge moments they may regret.
Try these steps for reconnecting:
- Apologize without excuses. Say, “I didn’t handle that the way I wanted to. I’m sorry for how I spoke to you.” Avoid blaming their behavior for your reaction.
- Acknowledge their feelings. “I imagine that made you feel bad. That’s not what I wanted.”
- Offer a do-over. “Let’s try that again. What I meant to say was…” This helps children learn that mistakes can be repaired.
- Hug or use physical reassurance. Some children respond well to a hug, a gentle hand on the shoulder, or sitting close to you as you talk. However, it is important to remember that not all children like physical proximity the same way. This can be another connection point. What makes them feel cared for? Can you get them something? Share a joke? Or maybe they prefer to initiate the contact? You can ask “What would you like from me right now?”
By modeling this, you teach your child that relationships are strong enough to handle mistakes, you respect their boundaries, and that shame doesn’t have to linger.
Step 3: Understanding Your Triggers
Shame reactions don’t come from nowhere. They are often linked to beliefs we carry from our own childhoods. If you were shamed for crying, you might struggle when your child cries over something small. If you were told you were “bad” when you misbehaved, you might feel triggered when your child acts out.
Ask yourself:
- What messages about shame and mistakes did I learn growing up?
- How did the adults in my life handle conflict and misbehavior?
- When I shame my child, what fear or belief is underneath my reaction? (e.g., “If they act this way, they will be unkind/selfish/unprepared for life.”)
Understanding these triggers can help you respond differently in the future.
Step 4: Repairing Shame in Yourself
Just as we want our children to heal from shame, we must also work on healing our own. If you find yourself feeling guilty or ashamed after a parenting mistake, practice self-compassion (out loud, if you can).
Try these steps:
- Notice your inner voice. Are you saying things like, “I’m a terrible parent”? Replace that with, “I had a hard moment. I’m learning and trying again.”
- Remind yourself of your intentions. You are parenting differently than you were raised, and that takes effort and awareness.
- Take a deep breath and forgive yourself. No parent gets it right 100% of the time. Your child doesn’t need perfect; they need you to keep showing up.
Step 5: Breaking the Cycle of Shame for the Future
When we work through our own history of shame, we help ensure that our children won’t carry it forward into their own lives. Here’s how we can change the cycle:
- Use mistakes as learning opportunities. Instead of saying, “You should feel bad for what you did,” try, “What do you think you can do next time?”
- Encourage open conversations about emotions. Allow your child to talk about their feelings without fear of punishment or shame, by sharing yours and listening to theirs. No need to fix anything.
- Celebrate effort, not just success. Instead of focusing on results (“You got an A, good job!”), acknowledge their process (“I saw how hard you worked on that project!”).
- Practice what you teach. When you make a mistake, talk about it: “I got frustrated earlier, and I wish I had handled it differently. I’m working on it.”
Parenting is a Journey, Not a Destination
Recovering from a shame reaction isn’t about never making mistakes—it’s about what we do after those mistakes. When we repair, reconnect, and reflect, we show our children that they don’t have to carry shame through their lives. Instead, they learn that mistakes can be made right, feelings can be talked about, and love is never in question.
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