4 Ways to Keep Your Teens Safe: Go for Connection

For any parent who fears the teen years—and who doesn’t—I can tell you how to make sure your teens will steer clear of all the horrible things you imagine. I know what you’re saying.

Obviously, I can’t guarantee anything. But if you fulfill the 4 steps below, I would put my money on it.

Studies have shown that the #1 preventive factor for all those nightmare scenarios is connection. It’s not the only factor, but it is #1. If you focus on and succeed at staying connected to your kids, your family will be in the best shape possible to weather any storm—even if something tragic happens. Connection means your child trusts you and feels safe telling you anything without fear of reprimand. It doesn’t mean you will hear everything, but it’s what goes on inside their heads that should be your concern. Connection means trusting that accountability is held for all through working problems out together.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, founder of the Neufeld Institute and author of Hold Onto Your Kids, says that when your teen is faced with Read more…

Look for the Lie’s Intention Rather than its Crime

Q. My almost 7 year old has started a habit of telling lies. We have talked about this several times. I have confronted him when he has told lies. He seems to understand. The hard part is that his Dad tells “white lies” and if he is confronted about things will find a way to put the fault on someone or something else. I have not confronted his Dad about this as he is an adult. It was not an issue when my son was small but now he knows when a lie is a lie. So what to do when he sees his Dad tell lies, and I confront my son about lying? I personally don’t lie.

A. Just because your husband is an adult is no reason not to talk about this with him. You do not have to blame or confront. Simply point out to him what you experience and tell him that you are concerned that his example may be giving your son the wrong message. I suggest starting off with something like, “I know we both Read more…

How NOT to Raise an Entitled Brat

‘Tis the season for gratitude and generosity—and for expecting it in our children especially at this time of year. The gimmies and the lengthy lists for Santa provoke fears of consumeristic, unappreciative, thoughtless kids. The daily dose of “I don’t want to…” after a simple request raises fear your kids will never show consideration or helpfulness without being brow-beaten into it. And we start to clutch.

Yes, life would be easier if your children did what you wanted when you wanted it, if they didn’t embarrass you in public, if their behavior always made you proud. But can you see that’s all about you? You really are self-centered when it comes to raising your children. When they behave like children, you freak out and yell, threaten and nag. That leaves your children feeling powerless, misunderstood, wrong, and afraid. Behavior gets worse—on both your parts. Soon you are dealing with the kids you most feared.

Aren’t we all self-absorbed, really? We all want what we want when we want it. The difference between us and children is maturity. Our prefrontal cortex Read more…

How to Deal with an Angry Child

Q. What is an appropriate response to a child who hits you or pushes you out of anger and he is 11?  When the anger escalates, and you tell him it’s not ok and he still does it? It’s a slippery slope. This same child has also been extremely violent to his brother and knocked his head against the wall. He’s improved a lot over the years, but sometimes this violent behavior still rears its head, and I don’t know what to do except to scream stop. What is an appropriate response?

A. If you are telling your son that his anger and hitting is not ok and he keeps it up, it means he needs you to address something that he has no idea how to articulate. This is what makes parenting the hardest job on the planet. At this point you are reacting to his behavior alone, the tip of the iceberg, what you see on the surface. But the emotional state that is provoking that anger is what needs addressing, and that can be a long gradual Read more…

Is it really all about me?

As much as I talk about the importance of taking care of yourself, of filling up your cup so you can fill your children’s, we put ourselves at the bottom of our to-do list—if we make it to the list at all. There’s always too much to do.

I received this email from a woman who has been there and done just that—taken care of herself—after realizing the importance of it. She said it so well that I had to share her words with all of you. Please take heed and let her words give you a kick where you need it. Start re-prioritizing now.

I recently listened to your podcast Tell Me About Your Kids. One episode struck a chord within me because I was that mother to my oldest son when he was 3-7. I had unrealistic expectations, preconceived notions about “normal behaviour”, compared him to his peers, felt ashamed and guilty that our parenting must have “caused this”, felt hopeless and yelled a lot… not knowing what to do and feeling like I was doing it all Read more…

How to Avoid the Struggle of Parenting Under Scrutiny

Q. I have a very strong-willed, acting out 8-year-old boy. I only recently read and started implementing your 8 principles book and watched your YouTube videos and am trying to implement your “connective parenting” approach which has already been very helpful. But I have struggled with this for so long, and I have a hard time handling friends, family, anyone in public not getting what I am doing. I get lookers, judgments, and even comments of how “bad” he is. They tell me how he needs a smack or more punishment, that he’s disrespectful, etc. I am trying to find confidence in my parenting, but this is a real brick wall. Do you smile politely and say, “My son is having a hard time”? Do you tell them to mind their own business and that you are working on it! Do you just ignore them? It makes me want to wear a t-shirt that states, “I am doing the best I can and so is my son”.

A. I love the tee-shirt idea! You’ll need several so you don’t run Read more…

7 Important Homeschooling Mistakes to Avoid

By Kristin Herman

There are a ton of benefits that come with homeschooling children, and no matter what reason you’re thinking about doing it, there’s no denying you need to be prepared. While you’re probably, and rightly, thinking about everything you should be doing, it’s also essential to think about the things you shouldn’t be doing, and the things you need to avoid.

Homeschooling can be a very different experience to a child. It’s important to make sure you’re balancing their lives in such a way that they get everything they would have gotten and needed from a regular schooling life.

With this in mind, let’s explore the seven homeschooling mistakes you need to avoid:

1. Just Pretending It’s Normal School

Homeschooling is very different from traditional public schooling, and if you’re trying to pretend they’re the same thing, you’re going to experience problems. The entire purpose of homeschooling is to be different from traditional schooling, so be different and explore the new opportunities this form of education brings.

For example, having a timetable that fills an entire day may Read more…

The Blame Game

Ever worry that your kids don’t take responsibility for themselves, always get defensive when criticized and blame somebody else? How many adults do you know like that? Blaming something or someone else when we are angry, criticized, or thwarted is as natural to humans as laughing or crying. But is it inherent in our nature or is it learned behavior? What I do know is that we can raise respectful and responsible children without it.

Children learn to play the blame game at very young ages. It starts with running off, blocking ears when they know they did something wrong. Then “I didn’t do it, he did” until connection and trust gets lost somewhere along the way and your tween and teen ends up barricaded in his room on a device where he doesn’t get blamed or punished for anything.

Exhausted, stressed parents feel under attack from even their smallest resistant child. So, blame and punishment begins. We want others to suffer when we suffer. It’s called retaliation. If I’m exhausted at the end of the day, my kids might Read more…

10 Ways to Deal with Fear and Anger

Q. I just completed chapter 7, Don’t Take It Personally, in your Buttons book. Holy cow, that is my life right now! Things have been tough on-and-off for the last 4 years, but with being stuck at home, resistance to distance learning, working as a single mom, and feeling isolated with no break from each other, I have hit an all-time low in my parenting. My son is off the charts angry (hitting me and swearing at me non-stop), disruptive, destructive, and disrespectful. I’m exhausted and handling all of it terribly. As I listen to your book, I’m seeing how my controlling-mom agenda and my own anger issues (never allowed when I was growing up) mean I just give in to stop the anger—both causing our relationship to spiral.

A. These are hard times. The only consolation is knowing you’re not alone. Many families have more resources and a two-parent household with help from family or tutors. But many are in your boat. I can’t stress enough how important it is to give yourself and your kids a break from Read more…

It’s a Strange New School World… Still

Another school year has begun. But this one is unlike any other. All the emotions that come up for you and your children at this time of year are exaggerated and exacerbated by Covid. Nothing is normal, nothing is predictable. But school is school however it is conducted so I offer some thoughts.

Whether your child is excited about school starting or dreads it—either in class or remote or both—may have a lot to do with the support system. We want our children to take responsibility for their education, but we usurp that responsibility when we tell them how it should be done—when we adults take control of their education and learning process. We fear that children don’t care about their education, so we direct instead of support. Our children need us to learn how they learn best, to set up the support system they need to do their best, and then trust that they will find their way.

It is the rare child who likes to do homework and is self-motivated enough to set up the time for it Read more…