The Surgeon General has recently proclaimed that parenting today has become a mental health crisis. In an interview on NPR, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, a father of two, claims that 48% of parents feel “overwhelmingly stressed” every day. The surgeon general’s advisory is calling for “shifts in policy and cultural norms.”
As part of their 36 page report, the advisory says, “The work of parenting is essential not only for the health of children but also for the health of society….We know that the well-being of parents and caregivers is directly linked to the well-being of their children….It’s time to value and respect time spent parenting on par with time spent working at a paying job, recognizing the critical importance to society of raising children.” Here, here!
The advisory claims that parents spend many more hours both at work and childcare than in 1985. Talk about burning the candle at both ends. They also say the effects of “cultural comparison” exacerbated by online focus on parenting achievements and failures translates to exhausted parents. Murthy says, “Parents who feel pushed to the brink deserve more than platitudes. They need tangible support.”
This is certainly true from my vantage point of working with parents over the past 35 years. We are in a long transition period between raising children based on fear using reward and punishment techniques that most of us were raised on and a more connected, respectful approach. Parents I know don’t want the old methods they were raised with, but they are not yet able to embody a more relationship balanced model. Conscious desires for a fair and balanced authoritarian approach are often undermined by the far more powerful automatic reactions fueled by past experience. The stress on parents wanting one thing and reacting differently wears them down leading to depression and feelings of failure.
I have some ideas of why this mental health crisis has come to be:
- To “be better parents”, parents are more and more involved in their children’s lives. Putting a magnifying glass on every minute has led to the hovering, helicopter approach, which is both a time and energy-consuming control approach.
- Parents either supervise their children’s activities themselves or enroll them in supervised activities. Children left alone to play with each other is not only a thing of the past but is looked on as negligent parenting. Opportunities for risky, independent play have gone, and children have become more dependent on parents to create and direct their entertainment.
- This vigilant style of parenting is hard to combat when “everyone else” is doing the same thing. It is the new norm and is exhausting. It used to be that the neighborhood parents watched out for all the kids. Now there is fear of reporting to the authorities if children are seen on their own.
- Afterschool time is spent carting children (or arranging for them to be carted) from one activity to another. The organization and management can be stressful.
- Expectations of parents tend to be unrealistic. Attempting to give children their best, parents tend to do and give more than their own parents and then expect appreciation. When it doesn’t come, they feel resentful and angry. More controlling takes place.
- Ever since the late 80s when child abduction cases appeared on milk cartons in every American kitchen, parenting reins have become tighter, and children live under a high level of surveillance. This has led to distrusting outsiders, which means no babysitters. So parents do not go out on their own with each other or other adults. Life for these parents is work and childcare.
- All the school-shootings have left parents with a silent, eroding fear about how safe their kids are at school.
- Never has parenting been harder due to the influence of technology on our children. The stress, tension and negative interactions that personal phones and computers have caused in parent-child relationships is enough to exhaust any parent.
- The Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Nauru, Palau, Papua New Guinea, Tonga and the United States are the only seven countries in the United Nations that do not require employers to provide paid time off for new parents. For parents stretched financially, the worry and stress accompanying the birth of a child is palatable. Not to mention the newly added fears and undermining of personal choice to abort a pregnancy are palpable.
- For so many, the subconscious “voices” in parents’ heads from past childhood upbringing tells them what they are doing wrong, what they’re letting their kids get away with, leads to controlling reactions and interferes with the ability to stay in the moment and attend to the child’s needs. These voices are what get in the way of parents’ abilities to let go of old ways and take on a better, and yes easier, approach.
- Not to mention the climate crisis, the political landscape, financial insecurity, racial divides, etc.
The surgeon general’s advisory report calls for “a national paid family and medical leave program and paid sick time for all workers and bolstered support for childcare financial assistance, universal preschool, and programs such as Head Start. Employers can expand programs that support parents’ well-being, including paid leave and flexible work schedules, and training managers on stress management.”
Hopefully this warning of a mental health crisis for parents will bring more attention to this cultural, silent affliction affecting so much of our population adding more stress for children already in crisis mode for many different reasons.
Action based on the advisory report will help. But much of the stress lies within. It is so important to care for ourselves each and every day.
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