Category Archives: Everyday Parenting

Worried your child is a quitter?

How many times have you signed your child up for swimming, soccer, gymnastics, violin or piano lessons, camp—she even being begged for it—only to hear, “I don’t want to go”? It’s hard not to be furious—“But you said this is what you wanted”—especially when money is involved. Sometimes your child has been involved with the team or the lessons and says, “I want to quit.”

There’s no doubt that parents have hopes and expectations wrapped up in their child’s learning experiences. And what of the parent who never got the opportunity for anything extracurricular and is proud to be able to afford these opportunities for his child? Or the parent whose childhood was formed by her camp experiences, yet her child stubbornly refuses to go to camp?

Fears pop quickly to the surface: “She’s a quitter”, “He never can commit to anything”, “What will her boss do when she decides one morning she doesn’t want to go to work?” “He just gives up.” Those fears lead us to all kinds of bribery and manipulation to get our kids to do Read more…

Are Gender Lines Getting Blurrier?

An email was sent out to every parent at our local middle school the other day saying that one of the sixth grade male children wished from this point forward to be addressed and accepted as a girl. She had been dressing as a girl at home for some time and could no longer tolerate continuing to pretend being a boy at school. The email was honest and clear, sent by the administration. I am left holding my breath for this child who will be the object of curiosity and perhaps the brunt of ridicule as the news passes among her fellow students.

A day later, I read an article online, “What’s so bad about a boy who wants to wear a dress?” The parents of this boy sent an email to all the parents in their son’s preschool announcing that he would be wearing a dress to school. This child sees himself as a boy but enjoys dressing as a girl. When he was four, he called himself “a boy and a girl.”

“Some days at home he wears Read more…

It’s easier than you think—and the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

Kids Hugging I spend a lot of time writing and talking about my opinions on children’s behavior, my theories of Connective Parenting, validation, acceptance—all the principles I believe in to encourage parents to let go of the old traditional methods of parenting we have used for eons. I want us to change our mindsets from a culture of punishment to one of compassion.

A culture of compassion does not at all mean being passive and permissive. Firmness, limits, rules, and making sure the adult’s needs are met as well as the child’s are all attributes of compassionate parenting. Compassion simply means understanding the child’s point of view, the roots of their behavior and being willing to hear what you and the rest of the world must sound like from your child’s point of view.

But today instead of my opinion, I want to share an email I had from a connective parent that I think sums it up.

I am the proud mom of a 14 year old girl, a 6 year old boy, a 4 year old girl, and a 3 Read more…

A Mother’s Day Gift

Being a mother is no piece of cake. From the beginning there is seemingly endless crying, sleepless nights, demands on your time and energy, exhaustion both physical and mental, putting your needs on indefinite hold—forgetting what your needs even are. Kids fight—with each other and with you. You know it’s your job to do something about it but seem to have no idea what to do. You need a break. But will you give it to yourself? Probably not.

This Mother’s Day I have a break for you. I find that in times of stress, when I’m full of indecision and don’t know which way to turn, when I know I want something but don’t know what it is, when I need to get something off my chest but don’t really want any advice—what always helps is an understanding ear and sharing with someone who knows just what I mean.

Katrina Kenison is that person who knows just what you mean and has been there in one form or another. Her books, The Gift of an Ordinary Day and Magical Read more…

Humpty-Dumpty Parenting

Ever feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”? Does it seem like you are on constant alert for the next emotional “episode” to erupt? Sometimes it seems that if you look cross-eyed, your child will meltdown. Asking him to put on his jacket can seem like you’ve told him to jump off a cliff. “…for no reason at all,” might be a constant refrain in your family. Those eggshells are fragile; we step carefully to avoid any cracking, but it seems futile.

When you think about those eggshells, where do you imagine they come from? Not your child. After all, isn’t it she who you assume is running the show, controlling everyone in the family? Even if she melts down at the drop of a hat, she appears to have the power to get whatever she wants.

Face it, you are the one afraid of your child. You are the fragile one. Those eggshells broke away from you leaving you exposed and raw. You’re the one who has been worn thin, are at the end of your rope, feel like you Read more…

In Time of Tragedy, Look to Yourself First

Another tragedy has hit the airwaves and the school hallways. Again the question is raised, “What do I tell my kids?” I addressed this question the best I could—who can ever answer this well?—in my blog, “Look for the Helpers” after Sandy Hook.

This time I want to look at a different angle—one that may hit home a bit more.

When a crisis happens, we naturally express and project our feelings, make assumptions about our children’s experience, and react or respond accordingly. The first question to consider is, “How do you feel in the wake of the Boston marathon bombings?”

Most parents want their children to grow up able to trust most people and trust the world they are growing into—with discernment and good judgment. It seems to be getting harder and harder to trust our world, so how do we teach our children to trust—or should we?

We want our children to reach their potential, to get the most out of their lives, to experience all they can for their fulfillment and satisfaction. We want them to have open Read more…

Are You Raising Your Boys to be Men or Misogynists?

Last summer two teenaged football players in Steubenville, Ohio got a 16 year old girl beyond drunk, carried her from party to party, and repeatedly raped and abused her in front of many consenting friends. So “cool” was this, they joked and bragged about it in texts and on the web. They were recently tried and convicted, and the verdict has divided a small football-mania town, many of whom are furious at losing their star football players.

How we raise our boys has all to do with how entitled they feel as they grow to manhood—how entitled they feel to hold power over girls and weaker boys, how entitled they feel to do as they please. Our culture is steeped in male entitlement, so we must work hard to support our sons in ways that our culture does not.

One of my proudest moments in my son’s life came when he was playing soccer against another town. My son was goalie and that day every ball sailed past him into the net. When the boys switched sides at half-time, a Read more…

Problem Solving 101

My husband and I were taking a walk with our 21 month old grandson. For a short distance we needed to walk in the road. I said,

“Hold my hand Sam. You have to hold my hand in the road.”

At first he did and then he had a different idea and pulled his hand away. I said,

“Sam you have to hold my hand.”

He did not want to comply. So I picked him up as he was working hard to wriggle away from me and said,

“Sam you have to hold a hand in the road. You can hold Poppy’s hand or my hand, which do you choose?”

He stopped wriggling. I could see him thinking. He then reached for Poppy and happily took his hand. Then he reached up for mine. For the rest of our walk he wanted to hold both our hands.

This is problem solving. Quite simple when you understand the principle. But impossible when you are stuck in the old reward and punishment mindset.

It worked because Sam wasn’t being forced to do Read more…

The Do’s and Don’ts of Ending Power Struggles – Forever

When my daughter Molly was five, I was exhausted. I couldn’t see a way out of our daily power struggles. She was pushing all my buttons, and I was reacting with hostility. But it was the mental notes playing in my head that got me the most. I was worried we would fight always. Fortunately I was wrong.

One morning, the same whiny, angry face approached—but something was different. Every other morning when I saw this face, I thought to myself, “She’s out to get me.” This particular morning I thought, “Wait a minute, she’s not out to get me. She’s miserable.” Suddenly I saw her differently. Instead of a resistant, defiant—okay I’ll say it—brat, I saw a very upset little girl who didn’t want to separate from me. I was battling her and she was anticipating the battle. It was all she could do to get me to understand her, and I wasn’t cooperating.

My shift in perception—she wasn’t being a problem, she was having a problem—changed our relationship. My emotions switched from anger to compassion. Once I got Read more…

10 Ways to Stop Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parents not only take too much responsibility for their children and fix their problems to protect them from upset or disappointment, they also tend to be overly punitive by not taking responsibility for themselves and blaming their children for their own problems.

When boundaries are poor, a parent tends to bleed the line between her problems and her children’s, unable to tell the difference. If she has a problem—exhaustion, impatience, upset—she may make it her child’s problem by reacting punitively and lashing out with blame or criticism for her child’s annoying behavior. If it’s her child’s problem—anger over being told what to do, forgetting homework, getting a bad grade—she may make it her problem by taking responsibility for it, fixing it or trying to making it go away.

When boundaries are not strong and a parent hovers to closely, the child learns to depend on the parent to step in, even in ways he doesn’t like, and so can relinquish responsibility. As he grows, he may lash out hostilely at his parent for creating the dependency he has grown Read more…