Category Archives: Everyday Parenting

A guest post from Dr. Birute Regine, author of “Iron Butterflies: Women Transforming Themselves and the World”

For weeks, Rene had been badgering her parents to let her have a gmail account. All her friends in middle school had email accounts, so why couldn’t she? Every time she asked she got the same answer. “Maybe later, maybe later.”

“We weren’t sure if she was responsible enough to venture out in the social media world,” Rene’s mom Linda told me. “I feel like I have to be the gatekeeper. I need to protect her from the horrible things in our society that basically want to flood into her life.”

During school lunch Rene would complain to her friends about how annoying her parents were. “They keep stalling with me! I’ll never get on gmail.” Her friend Cheryl said, “I can help you set up an account. It’s easy. We’ll just give you a fake name.” “Really?” Rene replied. “That would be awesome!”

Rene felt a twinge of doubt, but set it aside, assuring herself that her parents wouldn’t be too mad Read more…

In the Wake of Newtown and Nelson Mandela: What can we learn?

It is auspicious that our world has lost one of its most peaceful warriors at the marking of the one-year anniversary of one of its most violent acts. As we mourn the loss of one who brought peace and justice to the millions of oppressed in his country and set a standard for the world, we mourn the loss of 20 small school children and 6 of their caregivers needlessly gunned down at their school.

Are we setting more standards in the US or are we waking up?

Since the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary, schools across the country hold practice lock-down sessions. The idea is that schools are better prepared to defend themselves against more shooting rampages. At the same time we are instilling fear into millions of children who should never have to question their safety at school. Many children prone to anxiety and concern may now spend their days listening for gunshots, anticipating strangers coming into their classrooms and fearing that no matter what desk they duck under or closet they are ushered into, they will not Read more…

Being You at Holiday Time

Holidays mean relatives; Relatives can mean conflict. Now is the time to create supportive relationships.

When you anticipate getting together with your parents or in-laws at holiday time, do you get tense and stressed just thinking about it? Are you afraid your child will misbehave, they will not understand, and you will buckle under pressure from your elders to parent in ways you have been working hard to avoid?

So many parents are looking for new ways to parent—ones that feel right and are more respectful of their children—that might be quite different from the way they were parented. But something happens when the generations get together and we revert to old patterns. Holidays can be fraught with anxiety when a look or a comment from a parent or in-law triggers self-doubt. You cave under their authority and treat your child how you assume your parent or in-law thinks you should.

When parents are not yet confident or fluent in their new parenting approach, they feel vulnerable in the face of one who was the authority figure for so Read more…

The 10 Second Rule

“If only I could stay calm…”

“I just react… I can’t help it!”

Every success story I have ever received from a parent includes, I was able to stay calm. Okay, easier said than done, I know. Human beings are reactive. When we feel threatened, we automatically retaliate. It takes self-awareness and consciousness to intervene before that retaliation. Mostly we gain that self-control in the growing up process, but when our buttons get pushed, old stuff gets triggered self-control feels out of reach.

Without going into the old stuff here, suffice it to say that the amygdala section of the limbic system in the brain gets triggered when a button gets pushed, and we go into fight, flight or freeze mode. Especially when a button gets pushed, we need to gain some perspective so we don’t fly off the handle and react in ways we soon regret. To learn more about what happens in your brain at this time, read this.

Our reactions have very little reason attached to them. They are pure emotion and carrying through means Read more…

Taming Temper Tantrums

For the child, a temper tantrum feels like swirling in the middle of a tornado. It is frightening and there is no way of knowing when or if it will end.

A temper tantrum is not a parent’s favorite aspect of their child’s development. Tantrums are often accompanied by shrill screaming and physical kicking and hitting. And they result from “unreasonable” situations.

“I asked him to put his coat on, and he acted like I had pulled his arm off.”

“She wanted the blue plate that was in the dishwasher. I gave her another one and she threw it across the room.”

“All I did was tell him it was time for a bath. You’d think I told him I was leaving him for good.”

“What doesn’t he understand about ‘no’?”

Our adult reasoning brains have forgotten what it is like to be a child trapped in a body that often will not do your bidding. Impulses take over body parts, and words are emotional and dramatic and do not mean what they say. Our adult brains, together with our Read more…

Emotional Roller Coasters: The Human Condition

Did you ever have something really good happen that you had mixed emotions about? Ever dip into a panic right before you got married or had a baby?
Have you ever been offered a job you sought only to wish you hadn’t gotten it?
Have you ever had times when you are very emotional but couldn’t describe what you were feeling or why?
Did you ever think you were just plain crazy?

Of course you did.

Now imagine being two. Or four, or six, or twelve. In an immature stage of development, confused, overwhelming emotions spin around inside a child’s head like a tornado, the child doesn’t know what is happening, and the result is unwanted, inappropriate, out-of-control behavior.

If you were not experienced enough to know that this is only temporary, you’d probably think, “Is this how I’m going to feel forever?” Face it. At age forty or fifty you think that.

So when a young child is up and down emotionally, he understands his feelings a lot less than you do and has no way of explaining himself. Read more…

My Homework Challenge: Being Your Child’s Best Advocate

Let me guess what your biggest worries/concerns/battles are about when it comes to your child and school. Homework, right?

What do you most want for your child? Is it to be happy, respectful, kind, responsible, confident, independent, and successful? Or would you rather your child bring home a great report card, a 3.5 GPA, and high SAT scores? Often we get mired down in the minutia of day-to-day struggles and fears and fail to see the big picture of our children’s lives.

Do you set expectations for your children’s school year that are unrealistic for your child? Do you spend time worrying about your child failing or at least not meeting up to the students who do the best? Do you harp on homework and end up in battles?

Certainly a good education is important to gaining happiness and confidence. The question is, does a good education require hours of homework each night. Or is a better education achieved when a child loves to learn?

A child who loves to learn has spent the better part of his early childhood Read more…

7 Ways to Start the School Year Off Right

As much as I hate to think of summer ending, it is time to be thinking about the new school year beginning. ‘Beginning’ is a concept worth giving thought to. To begin is to start or start again. A new school year start should not be marred by old expectations.

Whether your kids are going to school for the first time or are in high school, a new school year marks a new beginning. And isn’t it always a new beginning for you as well? Of what, we don’t know, but new hopes and fears emerge at this time of year.

If your child is coming off a previously bad school year, you wonder and fear what this year will bring and hope it will be better.
If your child had a good year, your expectations are likely a little higher this year.
For a child just beginning, you wonder what school years will be like for this one. Will he succeed, will she have friends, will teachers like them? And always: What will my role be? How can I