Category Archives: Communication

Finding the Middle Ground: It’s Where Connection is Found

Why is it so hard for most of us to find the middle ground in communication? We want to be right. We want to get our point across, to be understood and seen. Our egos are very strong. We want what we want. It’s hard to find a balance where everyone feels seen and heard and no one is out to win. Why? I believe it’s because we are naturally pendulum thinkers.

A pendulum swings back and forth from one end of the continuum (of anything) to the other end where extremes are quite distinct from one another. On a given day, any of us can feel both elated and disconsolate. On a large scale, trends, societal norms often swing back and forth. Finding the middle ground takes patience to wait for the pendulum to rest. Let’s look at the pendulum swing of everyday parenting.

One end of the spectrum is permissive parenting: it’s easier to say yes than no. It’s hard for you to be firm. You believe your child’s needs are always more important than yours. You Read more…

Communicating With Your Child: Obstacles and Opportunities for Connection

At the core of every relationship lies communication. It’s the bridge through which we offer guidance, support boundaries, and love. And yet, even with the best intentions, communication between parents and children can easily become strained, confusing, or disconnected. This is true across all ages and stages of development — from toddlerhood to the teenage years — because communication isn’t just about words; it’s also about emotions, perceptions, and unmet needs on both sides.

I was reminded of this recently when my 18-year-old and I were chatting one evening. He brought up something that made me very sad. When he was about 8 years, old he and I were in a disagreement about something mundane. In the course of the argument, he said something to me that felt disrespectful. I stopped for a moment, looked at him intensely and replied, “Are you being a smart aleck?” He looked back at me a little confused but with a half grin and said “Yes.”

This blatant response of talking back triggered something in me, and I screamed at him to get up Read more…

A View from the Other Side: Creating relationships that last a lifetime

Being on the “other side” of parenting, I have a perspective I believe is important to understand. Most of you are in the thick of it, and when your day to day is mostly conducted in survival mode—”How do I get through this day? I’m so exhausted. What do you mean pay attention to how my child is feeling?”—the last thing you think about or plan for is what your relationships may be like when your children are grown.

This is a big birthday year for me. I decided what I wanted for my birthday was to spend one on one time with each of my two children—both parents of young children and very, very busy people. They both responded with “Great. Let’s do it.”

I just returned from several days on Block Island with my daughter. Earlier this year, I spent several days in Jamaica with my son. We never lacked for things to talk and laugh about. We had meaningful, heartfelt discussions that took us into deep places. And they each expressed having a wonderful time. I feel Read more…

What Dads Teach Boys About Women

It’s a hot conversation right now, one that seems silly to need to address, but here we are regardless. How do we teach boys to be respectful of girls, and whose job is it? There’s a version of this conversation that centers on rules: don’t speak to girls that way, don’t touch someone who doesn’t want to be touched, respect your mother. These are good rules to have, and rules have their place. But rules are architecture without a foundation. A person who follows rules because they are told to will look for the edges. Someone who has internalized the value of the people around them doesn’t need to be reminded.

That understanding doesn’t come from a single talk. It comes from watching. And the primary person most boys are watching, whether or not their father, stepfather, or grandfather knows it, is the other men in their lives. This isn’t new information, but we often forget that little eyes are everywhere, all the time.

Fathers carry a quiet and continuous influence simply by being present and engaged. The way a Read more…

Deconstruct Your Kid’s Defensive Behavior One Brick at a Time

Does this sound familiar? (read with a tone of frustration and blame)

Don’t do that! You know you’re not supposed to….
What do I have to do to get you to listen to me?
Stop hitting. Cut it out.
How many times do I have to tell you?!
Quiet down, you’re just too much!

Imagine being the child on the receiving end of this. What happens to you when you hear “Why can’t you just listen?!”

Do you tense up, look away, run off, shut down? Where does your focus go?

As a child, depending on your temperament and how you have learned to avoid trouble, you choose a defense mechanism that keeps you safe. When you hear that familiar tone of frustration in the adults around you, you immediately hide behind your wall—your defense of choice. This could be yelling, crying, avoidance, laughing, people pleasing, becoming invisible, or anything else that shifts attention away from you.

Children don’t focus on the effects of their behavior when called out; they focus on themselves and strategize how to keep from getting Read more…

When Your Child Embarrasses You: A Connective Parenting Perspective

Your three-year-old throws herself on the ground at the playground right as you try to leave. Your seven-year-old has a complete meltdown at a birthday party, in front of every parent you know. Your teen yells quite loudly in the restaurant, “Would you just leave me alone. You don’t know anything!”

Few parenting moments sting quite like being embarrassed by your child in public. And that sting can send us straight into reactive mode before we’ve even had a chance to think.

These moments are frustrating and embarrassing, but how we respond in those moments matters far more than the embarrassing behavior itself.

Your Child Isn’t Trying to Humiliate You

When a young child does something mortifying, our instinct is to make it stop…fast. We hush, threaten, and apologize to everyone around us while shooting our child a look that says we will be discussing this later.

But before we react, it’s worth asking a different question: what is this behavior telling me?

If you have been following the Connective Parenting work for a while you already know that a Read more…

Why Your Child May Feel Unseen Even When You’re Always There

Most of us believe we see our children clearly. We know their faces, their moods, the particular way they go quiet when something is wrong. We show up. We ask questions. We pay attention. And still, we can look right at them and miss them entirely.

Not because we aren’t trying. Because we are trying too hard to fix, to reassure, to move them toward okay. In that effort, we stop making room for where they actually are.

This is the quiet failure of attunement. It looks like love. It sounds like encouragement. But it can leave a child feeling profoundly alone in a room full of people who adore them.

Missing the Signals Through the Hope

My daughter spent several years navigating a significant medical experience. There were procedures, hospital visits, tests, and all of the uncertainty and disruption that comes with something like that landing in the middle of your adolescence. When it was finally over, we walked out of the doctor’s office and went to celebrate.

My daughter seemed off though. I questioned what was happening for Read more…

How Family Connection Builds Strong Communities

Every one of us begins life in a community — our family. It’s the first place we learn who we are, how to express ourselves, and how to connect with others. Before we ever step into a classroom or make a friend, our families teach us what love, trust, and belonging feel like.

That first community shapes how we see the world. When we build relationships on empathy, curiosity, and understanding, we grow up feeling secure in who we are. If you subscribe to this newsletter you already believe in the power of family connection and know that children carry these lessons into the wider circles of life — friendships, schools, workplaces, and, eventually, their own families.

And just as families influence communities, a strong community can give families the support they need to thrive too. Connection, it turns out, flows both ways.

Family: The First Circle of Connection

We often say that connection is the foundation of growth. It starts at home, in everyday moments that teach children how to relate to others.

Think of a parent who chooses Read more…

Can You Have Empathy and Still Be The Authority?

Parenting often feels like walking a tightrope between love and limits — nurturing your child’s emotions while guiding their behavior. Sometimes, all the empathy in the world doesn’t seem to help, leaving parents unsure how to stay connected while leading with confidence.

The good news: empathy and authority are not opposites but partners for long-term resilience.

Balancing Empathy with Authority

First, let’s understand our terms:

Empathy is understanding and sharing another’s feelings. In parenting, it’s tuning into your child’s experience without judgment. Connecting first makes guidance more effective.
Authority is leadership rooted in mutual respect. Calm, confident limits help children feel safe.
Discipline is guidance that teaches children the impact of their actions.
Punishment is about control. It can create fear, mistrust, and resentment, often leading children to hide or lie to avoid trouble.

Too much empathy without authority can leave children loved but uncertain who’s in charge. Too much authority without empathy may lead to compliance out of fear, not trust. The balance is what helps our kids feel safe and guided.

Focusing on the discipline Read more…

The Truth About Middle School: Why Ages 11–15 Feel So Turbulent

If you’ve ever sat across from your middle schooler, bewildered by their mood swings, sharp comments, or sudden silence, you are not alone. Most parents, myself included, describe these years as some of the most challenging in raising children. And most kids, if you ask them, will tell you that middle school just sucks. I have been through this process twice so far, and echo that sentiment as I browse through literature, advice, and research on how to support and get through this natural, but torturing phase of development.

However, as with everything, nature has a plan and there’s a reason for even this miserable phase. Between ages 11 and 15, children are going through one of the most intense periods of growth since infancy. Their bodies, brains, and social worlds are in constant upheaval, which makes everyday life feel like a rollercoaster—sometimes thrilling, sometimes terrifying, and often confusing—almost always hard. Understanding what’s happening inside your child’s brain, body, and heart can help you navigate these years with more patience, compassion, and connection.

The Social Earthquake

One of the Read more…