Bonnie Harris | Connective Parenting | Parent-Child Relationship

How to Repair Yourself After Losing Control

Nothing is more important for your children than your own well-being.

One mom said, “If I hear one more time, fill your own cup first, I will scream. I don’t have time for yoga classes and coffee with friends.” I hear you. I would like to offer a different way to keep your cup full, your energy balanced, and your responses controlled.

It’s not all the time. It’s those moments when your child says or does that thing, gives that look or throws that punch, and you lose control. Everything you hear and read about tells you to stay calm, to stop and breathe to avoid that parenting road rage. Like it’s that easy. In the heat of the moment, it’s impossible. Instead, once again you feel like a failure.

What I’m suggesting isn’t easy. And it takes time, focus, and commitment. But you can do it piece by piece without getting out of your pajamas. You don’t have to do anything in the heat of the moment. It’s what you do after that keeps building and improving your relationship. Read more…

The “Wait until 8th” Pledge

Q. As I navigate my way through the influence of technology my fears are around knowing that I have a certain amount of control right now while my kids are 5 and 7, but what about later? I’ve taken the “Wait Until 8th” pledge, committing to not giving my kids phones until at least 8th grade. And even then, I would lean toward “dumb” phones. But perhaps what scares me most is how being on social media will affect them when they reach that stage. It’s something I never had to experience myself. The bullying, anxiety, eating disorders, and everything else that stems from the weight of that world frightens me. And what I hear from others and read in The Anxious Generation, is that kids find a way to be on those platforms, even when devices are limited at home. What can I do now to set them up for the healthiest possible choices since they’ll likely “find a way” once they reach teenagehood.

A. Good for you. I am hoping that by the time your children are Read more…

Why are Parents in a Mental Health Crisis?

The Surgeon General has recently proclaimed that parenting today has become a mental health crisis. In an interview on NPR, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, a father of two, claims that 48% of parents feel “overwhelmingly stressed” every day. The surgeon general’s advisory is calling for “shifts in policy and cultural norms.”

As part of their 36 page report, the advisory says, “The work of parenting is essential not only for the health of children but also for the health of society….We know that the well-being of parents and caregivers is directly linked to the well-being of their children….It’s time to value and respect time spent parenting on par with time spent working at a paying job, recognizing the critical importance to society of raising children.” Here, here!

The advisory claims that parents spend many more hours both at work and childcare than in 1985. Talk about burning the candle at both ends. They also say the effects of “cultural comparison” exacerbated by online focus on parenting achievements and failures translates to exhausted parents. Murthy says, Read more…

Turn “Potty Talk” into “Body Talk”

You know that stage-when your child thinks using “potty talk” is just too fun and funny to stop. But, what motivates this “rude” behavior?

Q: We have a boy 4 turning 5 next month, and we really have a lot of toilet talk going on. We’ve tried ignoring it and explaining why it’s not okay and that it’s not okay to use in our house, nothing seems to work he just lays around and says: penis, boobies, vagina and others – no swear words but typical toilet talk. He will poke me or others and say I can see your booby, bum bum etc. also with his 1 year old sister and dogs etc. One older friend exacerbates this, and we notice that when they are together it is much worse but our almost 5 yo certainly says it too much. Any advice would be appreciated as it’s starting to be such a theme and hard to help him know that it’s not okay to yell this and say it all the time.

A. I’m afraid he yells these Read more…

Focus on Trust to Encourage Your Child’s Potential

How do you think your kids experience you? Do they expect loving, positive attention and trust or criticism and judgement? Or no attention at all until they cause a problem? Watch yourself and see what they respond to.

Whenever you yell, threaten, punish, or use that blaming tone that turns your child “parent deaf”, you are teaching your children that they are a problem—because you see them as a problem. What you want is the problem to end, but what you are focusing on—what your child is doing wrong—makes the problem worse.

What you want to grow is your child’s capability.

So trust your child’s capability to overcome problems. This requires a mindset shift and understanding what trust really means. Your trust is needed 24/7, especially if your child is behaving in untrustworthy ways.

It’s not about trusting behavior or even your child’s current motivations. It’s about trusting who your child is and that he wants to do things right. The fact that things are going wrong can be corrected by your change in focus.

Focus on what you

A Connective Parent asked about how toddlers learn self-control. Every parent needs real-life solutions to tantrums.

Q. My two and a half year old is in the heart of his terrible twos with lots of tantrums especially when he’s had it by the end of the daycare week. But what I don’t understand is when he seems fine, eating his yogurt and berries that he loves in his highchair, and suddenly, with no apparent emotion, he flings his bowl across the room making a horrible mess. What am I supposed to do then? Other times, he runs away from me and doesn’t listen when I yell to him to stop. What do I do to get him to listen? Am I’m allowing this behavior by not punishing him?

A. Impulses are a strange thing. We don’t know where they come from (maybe a brain scientist does) and certainly can’t see them coming. There is no way to prepare yourself or to head them off at the pass. They come from deep inside and often don’t seem to have any connection Read more…

How to Raise a Child with Self-Confidence, Not Entitlement

As far as I can tell, most parents want their children to reach launch-age fully capable of conducting their lives with responsibility and respect. When they leave the safety of their nests with self-confidence, feeling competent and resilient, with the drive to contribute positively to the world, they are ready to greet whatever comes at them. We want our children to go out into the world capable of finding success yet able to weather the bumps and storms with a strong sense of self.

Most of all we want our children to feel inspired and fulfilled in their lives, doing what they love, able to reach their potential, and in mutually respectful relationships with others.

Does this sound fairy-tale-ish?

Especially when right now you struggle with demanding kids who seem oblivious to your requests and inconsiderate of other’s needs?

Even though your struggles today are very real and very exhausting, this is the time, no matter how young your child is, to focus on the journey of reaching the goal of 100% authority over themselves instead of being the entitled Read more…

Healthy Boundaries are Necessary to Set Good Limits

Boundaries refer to the separation of responsibilities between me and my child. Limits refer to what behaviors I am ok with and what I am not. To have appropriate limits, it is essential to establish healthy boundaries.

Your child’s thoughts, emotions and behavior are NOT your responsibility.

Your thoughts, emotions and behavior are your responsibility, never your child’s.

You are not responsible for your child’s happiness. You are 100% responsible for everything you say and do.

This principle of responsibility underlies the effective and successful application of any and all of your parenting. This is a strong boundary.

But do you look at your children’s behavior as a reflection of your parenting? Do you see acting out behavior as a sign of your inadequacy? Do you feel resentful when you do so much and get so little appreciation? If yes, your boundaries need some shoring up.

Healthy Boundaries

A boundary is the dividing line between me and my child (or anyone). On my side of the boundary, I know what my problems, emotions, behavior, and responsibilities are. And I do Read more…

Empathy in Action: Nurturing Growth in Your Child

When parents direct their kids and tell them what they should do to improve themselves, it lands on the child as I’m not okay the way I am, instead of empathy in action.

Q. “How can I help my 8 year old son understand that I love him just the way he is AND I want him to grow, learn and improve? He says he feels humiliated and ashamed every time I ask him to learn something new because he feels like I’m saying he needs to be better than he already is.”

A. How wonderful that your son can tell you how your requests feel to him. So many kids just cram their feelings inside, and so many parents dismiss and deny their remarks with comments like, “That’s not true. I love you just the way you are. I just want you to learn to do new things.”

That sounds logical—to the mind of an adult. But an eight year old doesn’t read it that way.

The hard part for the parent is to listen and learn from the Read more…

A Fresh Start: Spring Cleaning Your Daily Routine for Family Harmony

Let’s do a little spring cleaning of your day. Think of these steps as working toward a goal. Constructing your daily routine will have ripple effects on your children’s well-being and create a more peaceful home. Your children thrive on predictability and anticipated expectations they can meet successfully.

Morning Daily Routine:

The goal is to encourage your children to do what is expected without nagging and frustration spiraling into yelling and threatening. Mornings are important connecting times so everyone starts the day off feeling grounded. If your kids are stressed from morning fights, they will be less able to focus and learn at school.

Get up early enough for quiet time to prepare for your day.
If you are waking a child, give it enough snuggle time to wake calmly and gently.
Get older kids using alarm clocks to take responsibility for themselves. If you allow the consequences of sleeping thru an alarm, it will likely not happen again.
Make lists (dry erase boards, etc.) using words or visuals with boxes your kids can check off when done. Include brushing Read more…