Archive
Finding the Middle Ground: It’s Where Connection is Found
Why is it so hard for most of us to find the middle ground in communication? We want to be right. We want to get our point across, to be understood and seen. Our egos are very strong. We want what we want. It’s hard to find a balance where everyone feels seen and...
Communicating With Your Child: Obstacles and Opportunities for Connection
At the core of every relationship lies communication. It’s the bridge through which we offer guidance, support boundaries, and love. And yet, even with the best intentions, communication between parents and children can easily become strained, confusing, or...
A View from the Other Side: Creating relationships that last a lifetime
Being on the “other side” of parenting, I have a perspective I believe is important to understand. Most of you are in the thick of it, and when your day to day is mostly conducted in survival mode—”How do I get through this day? I’m so exhausted. What do you mean pay...
What Dads Teach Boys About Women
It’s a hot conversation right now, one that seems silly to need to address, but here we are regardless. How do we teach boys to be respectful of girls, and whose job is it? There's a version of this conversation that centers on rules: don't speak to girls that way,...
Setting Healthy Summer Screen Boundaries
It’s summer vacation and screens are everywhere. Our children are growing up in a digital world, and summer, with its open schedule and unstructured hours, is when screen time tends to spike the most. A 2025 national survey found that nearly half of parents rely on...
A Beautiful Sadness: The Grief of Watching Your Child Grow Away
I’ve been realizing something lately. Parenting is painful. It is not the exhaustion of infancy, or the frustration of toddlerhood, or even the eye-rolling theater of adolescence. It is the quiet, cumulative grief of watching someone you love steadily and necessarily...
Deconstruct Your Kid’s Defensive Behavior One Brick at a Time
Does this sound familiar? (read with a tone of frustration and blame) Don’t do that! You know you’re not supposed to…. What do I have to do to get you to listen to me? Stop hitting. Cut it out. How many times do I have to tell you?! Quiet down, you’re just too much!...
A Mother’s Day Letter
Dear Mom/ Step Mom/ Grandmother/ Surrogate Mother You know that thing you did last Tuesday? The thing that took about four minutes and that no one acknowledged, maybe no one even noticed? You tracked the unsigned permission slip with several phone calls to make sure...
A Letter to the Caregivers of New Graduates No One Thinks to Check On
Dear fellow loved ones of high school seniors — this one's for you. If you are like me, with a high school senior soon to be off on their own, this season is really exciting. It's also quietly breaking my heart. And nobody's talking about that enough. Your senior...
When Your Child Embarrasses You: A Connective Parenting Perspective
Your three-year-old throws herself on the ground at the playground right as you try to leave. Your seven-year-old has a complete meltdown at a birthday party, in front of every parent you know. Your teen yells quite loudly in the restaurant, “Would you just leave me...
Why Your Child May Feel Unseen Even When You’re Always There
Most of us believe we see our children clearly. We know their faces, their moods, the particular way they go quiet when something is wrong. We show up. We ask questions. We pay attention. And still, we can look right at them and miss them entirely. Not because we...
Can Connective Parenting Work With Difficult Kids?
There is a common question that we get in our work in Connective Parenting all the time. “Can Connective Parenting work with difficult or aggressive kids?” Parents of kids who hit, explode, shut down, or cycle through meltdowns on a daily basis often arrive at...
Helping Children Push Through Discomfort
There is a question that we ask again and again in our parenting classes, especially as our kids grow and push against their comfort zones: Is this unsafe, or just uncomfortable? In a world that is increasingly aware of emotional and physical safety, many parents find...
Resisting the Urge to Help
One of the hardest parts of parenting (especially for thoughtful, attuned parents) is resisting the urge to help. Not the neglectful kind of stepping back, but the very human impulse to jump in, fix, remind, rescue, explain, or smooth the path when our children are...
When Your Child Refuses School
School refusal is one of the most frustrating experiences a parent handles. One day your child is getting ready and heading out the door, and the next, they’re clinging to you, melting down, shutting down, or flat-out refusing to go. You find yourself cycling through...
Parenting Your Kid When Fear Takes Over: Breaking Cycles Without Breaking Connection
Parenting has a way of touching places inside us we thought had long since healed over. Sometimes it brings joy, sometimes tenderness—and sometimes it brushes against old wounds we haven’t dared revisit. Lately, I’ve been sitting with one of those moments. My...
Letting Go of the Perfect Holiday: Staying Connected When Expectations Rise
Every year, the holiday season arrives with its bright lights, traditions, and a quiet but powerful cultural pressure to create something magical. We can’t help but feel it in the pile of to-dos, school and family events on the calendar, the “perfect” images online,...
How to Navigate Holiday Triggers: A Practical Parent’s Guide to Stress-Free Family Time
Big Feelings over Family Gatherings? It’s the holidays! And family gatherings bring warmth, familiarity, and celebration, but they also stir up old stories, unspoken expectations, complicated dynamics, and emotional landmines. During the holidays, many of us find...
Shifting the Story on the Hidden Side of Dad Anxiety
When New Dad Anxiety Shows Up My neighbors are first time parents. Pregnancy and parenthood was a long road for them. So, when the baby finally came, they felt educated and ready. Well, as most of us learn after becoming parents, things don’t always go to plan and...
How Family Connection Builds Strong Communities
Every one of us begins life in a community — our family. It’s the first place we learn who we are, how to express ourselves, and how to connect with others. Before we ever step into a classroom or make a friend, our families teach us what love, trust, and belonging...
Can You Have Empathy and Still Be The Authority?
Parenting often feels like walking a tightrope between love and limits — nurturing your child’s emotions while guiding their behavior. Sometimes, all the empathy in the world doesn’t seem to help, leaving parents unsure how to stay connected while leading with...
When Our Emotions Boil Over—and What to Do About It
You know that moment: your child shouts “No!” or bursts into tears over something small, and suddenly you feel a rush of heat in your chest. Your voice gets sharper, your patience evaporates, and before you know it, you’re reacting in a way that surprises even you....
The Truth About Middle School: Why Ages 11–15 Feel So Turbulent
If you’ve ever sat across from your middle schooler, bewildered by their mood swings, sharp comments, or sudden silence, you are not alone. Most parents, myself included, describe these years as some of the most challenging in raising children. And most kids, if you...
Just Listen: The Simple Art That Gets Your Kids Talking, Feeling Heard, and Wanting to Connect
Just Listen… Parenting advice can feel like an endless to-do list—set boundaries, keep routines, encourage independence, be present, watch for red flags—it’s easy to forget one of the simplest, most powerful tools we have for connection: listening. Not listening while...
What We Mean by Connection—and How to Keep It Strong
At Connective Parenting, we refer to connection a lot. It’s more than a feel-good buzzword. It’s the foundation of a healthy, respectful parent-child relationship, and the key to positive behavior change. When parents ask, “How do I get my child to listen?” or “Why...
When Good Parenting Intentions Get in the Way of Connection
We, parents, want to “do it all well.” We want to be good parents, make the right choices, and give our kids the best. That’s a beautiful thing. It shows how deeply we care about their well-being and future. But sometimes, our desire to “get it right” can actually...
A Connective Parent’s Response: In Honor of the 10-Year Anniversary of the Viral Blog Post “The Letter Your Teenager Can’t Write You” by Gretchen Schmelzer
A brief excerpt from "The Letter Your Teenager Can't Write You" by Gretchen Schmelzer, originally posted on June 23, 2015: Dear Parent: This is the letter I wish I could write. This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because...
Connection Is Not Political—It’s Foundational
Have you ever found yourself trying to explain why you don’t use punishment, only to be told you’re “just letting your kid get away with it”? It’s a common misunderstanding—and one that has little to do with parenting realities and everything to do with cultural...
Let Them Dream: Supporting Children to Explore Life Without Pressure
A common parental refrain we hear often is “I want my kids to grow up to lead happy, successful lives.” However, without realizing it, our hopes, dreams, and good intentions can turn into anxiety-laden roadblocks and place expectations on our kids that reflect our own...
Beyond Talk: Modeling Anti-Racism for Children
Racism and bigotry are not just taught in explicit words or overt hate. They are absorbed through silence, tone, behavior, avoidance, and discomfort. They grow in the spaces where fear is left unexplored, where shame is used as a tool, and where curiosity is shut...
When Parenting Advice Doesn’t Work for Your Neurodivergent Brain or Theirs
You’ve probably seen it—another TikTok about the five missed signs of ADHD or an Instagram reel celebrating autism as a superpower. Conversations about neurodivergence are more visible than ever, and has even become a hot-button talking point in political circles....
Protecting the Beauty and Integrity of Boys
Raising boys in today’s world can feel overwhelming. Parents want their sons to be strong, kind, and successful. But sometimes, without realizing it, we pass down messages that can hurt more than help. Fear, shame, blame, and aggression have been used for generations...
Creating Rituals & Routines That Strengthen Connection
In the busy rhythm of daily life, it’s easy to overlook the small moments that create deep connections with our children. Between school drop-offs, work deadlines, and the never-ending to-do list, many parents find themselves moving from one task to another without...
Recovering from a Shame Reaction: Rebuilding Connection and Healing Together
No matter how hard we try to parent without shame, there will be moments when we react in ways we regret. Maybe we snap at our child for making a mess, call them “selfish” when they refuse to share, or roll our eyes when they ask a question for the hundredth time (I...
The Hidden Impact of Shame (And How to Parent Without It)
Shame is one of the most powerful emotions a child can experience, yet it often goes unnoticed in the way we parent. It hides behind tantrums, defiance, withdrawal, and even dishonesty. When children feel shame, they don’t just feel bad about what they’ve done—they...
Teaching Emotional Literacy: The Language of Feelings
Emotional intelligence is a powerful tool for building strong, healthy relationships. It helps us understand our own emotions, empathize with others, and navigate life's challenges. One of the most important skills in developing emotional intelligence is emotional...
Parent Anxiety: How It Affects Children and Effective Ways to Manage It
Anxiety seems to be on everyone’s minds right now, especially parents. With so much going on in the world, with our relationships and work, and with our children, it’s easy to become overwhelmed, short-tempered, and exhausted. All parents want their children to feel...
How to Step Out Of Your Child’s Drama
Q. My 13-year-old is constantly complaining about things at school. She complains about who is getting away with what, that the teacher is targeting and being mean to her, and that another long-time friend is talking behind her back. She had me ready to barge into...
New Year’s Resolutions for Building Better Connections with Your Children
As the calendar turns to a new year, many of us reflect on the past and set resolutions for the months ahead. While goals like exercising more or saving money are common, the start of a new year is also the perfect time to focus on family relationships, especially the...
Respecting Different Traditions During the Holidays
Traditions During the Holidays The holiday season is a time to honor traditions, some passed down for generations and others newly created. But not all families celebrate in the same way. As we live in an increasingly connected and diverse world, it’s important to...
Healing You To Connect With Them: Childhood Wounds and Not Passing Them On
By Shannon McNamara, Connective Parenting Associate Director Parenting is one of the most rewarding, yet hardest, things you’ll ever do. Not only are you responsible for guiding your children through their journey, but many of us find ourselves facing unresolved...
Embracing Gratitude With A Little Help From Mr. Rogers
An Article on Gratitude by Shannon McNamara, Associate Director In a world that can often feel overwhelming, filled with the demands and surprises of daily life, taking a step back to appreciate the small and often overlooked moments can bring a renewed sense of...
Announcing Shannon McNamara as Associate Director: New Initiatives at Connective Parenting
We are thrilled to announce that Shannon McNamara, LICSW, has joined Connective Parenting as Associate Director. With over 20 years of experience in clinical social work and a deep commitment to helping families, Shannon is well-prepared to lead several key...
How to Repair Yourself After Losing Control
Nothing is more important for your children than your own well-being. One mom said, “If I hear one more time, fill your own cup first, I will scream. I don’t have time for yoga classes and coffee with friends.” I hear you. I would like to offer a different way to...
The “Wait until 8th” Pledge
Q. As I navigate my way through the influence of technology my fears are around knowing that I have a certain amount of control right now while my kids are 5 and 7, but what about later? I've taken the "Wait Until 8th" pledge, committing to not giving my kids phones...
Why are Parents in a Mental Health Crisis?
The Surgeon General has recently proclaimed that parenting today has become a mental health crisis. In an interview on NPR, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, a father of two, claims that 48% of parents feel “overwhelmingly stressed” every day. The surgeon...
Turn “Potty Talk” into “Body Talk”
You know that stage-when your child thinks using "potty talk" is just too fun and funny to stop. But, what motivates this "rude" behavior? Q: We have a boy 4 turning 5 next month, and we really have a lot of toilet talk going on. We’ve tried ignoring it and explaining...
Focus on Trust to Encourage Your Child’s Potential
How do you think your kids experience you? Do they expect loving, positive attention and trust or criticism and judgement? Or no attention at all until they cause a problem? Watch yourself and see what they respond to. Whenever you yell, threaten, punish, or use that...
How Toddlers Learn Self-Control
A Connective Parent asked about how toddlers learn self-control. Every parent needs real-life solutions to tantrums. Q. My two and a half year old is in the heart of his terrible twos with lots of tantrums especially when he’s had it by the end of the daycare week....
How to Raise a Child with Self-Confidence, Not Entitlement
As far as I can tell, most parents want their children to reach launch-age fully capable of conducting their lives with responsibility and respect. When they leave the safety of their nests with self-confidence, feeling competent and resilient, with the drive to...
Healthy Boundaries are Necessary to Set Good Limits
Boundaries refer to the separation of responsibilities between me and my child. Limits refer to what behaviors I am ok with and what I am not. To have appropriate limits, it is essential to establish healthy boundaries. Your child’s thoughts, emotions and behavior are...
Empathy in Action: Nurturing Growth in Your Child
When parents direct their kids and tell them what they should do to improve themselves, it lands on the child as I’m not okay the way I am, instead of empathy in action. Q. "How can I help my 8 year old son understand that I love him just the way he is AND I want...
A Fresh Start: Spring Cleaning Your Daily Routine for Family Harmony
Let’s do a little spring cleaning of your day. Think of these steps as working toward a goal. Constructing your daily routine will have ripple effects on your children’s well-being and create a more peaceful home. Your children thrive on predictability and anticipated...
Why Kids Lie and How To Handle It to Motivate Honesty and Trust
Why DO kids lie? It's pretty straightforward but anything but obvious. Here's the break down on why kids lie and what you can do about it. Q. My eight-year-old daughter has taken to lying and I don’t know what to do. The other day I was driving her home from a...
What Are the Secrets that Make Children Successful?
As far as I can tell, most parents want to raise successful children to reach launch-age fully capable of conducting their lives with responsibility and respect. When they leave the safety of their nests feeling self-confident, competent, resilient, and have the drive...
How to Find Acceptance When Your Children Are Different from You
Q. I have two daughters, 12 and 10. We have a wonderful, respectful, open relationship. The older is very much an introvert, like me and my husband. She works hard academically, achieves well, and has a mind that races along a million miles per hour. She is always up...
5 Step Guide to Setting Successful Family Values
Your goal for your children is to raise strong, self-confident, resilient, independent humans who contribute to society, right? This doesn’t just happen somewhere in the teen years. It starts from setting family values that begin with love, acceptance, support, and...
Gratitude from Your Child’s Perspective
“My child is so ungrateful.” “Why can’t he ever appreciate anything?” “She has no consideration for anyone but herself.” Gratitude isn’t something to be taught but to be experienced. I’m coming to understand that gratitude is hard to come by without love. It’s hard...
It’s Okay to Let Kids Quit Things
Here's a parenting question I get often: Should I condemn or condone quitting an activity? I was fortunate enough to have this exact conversation with Jen Zamzow, PhD for her Good Housekeeping article "It's Okay to Let Kids Quit Things." And this is what we...
How to Resist the “Toughen Up Trap”
The family is a nurturing ground, not a training ground. When I hear parents say, “My job is to prepare him to deal with the real world. People out there aren’t going to care how he feels about what he has to do,” I hear a justification for traditional, authoritarian...
It’s Okay To Parent Differently
Q. My husband and I see the world—and parenting—differently. He is a type B personality (always looking for his keys), and my son and I are type A personalities (we never misplace anything because there's a place or "home" for everything and everything in its place....
Addressing Heightened Aggression in Children: Understanding the Triggers and Implementing Effective Strategies
Heightened aggression in children, characterized by intense anger outbursts, defiance, and physical attacks, impacts children's social interactions, academic progress, and emotional growth. Crucially addressed in early childhood, this issue, if unchecked, can result...
The Power of Empathy
Story: My strong willed 8 year old was diagnosed with anxiety and displays this with anger. Last March I got diagnosed with cancer and needed surgery. His anxiety hit the moon. He's been acting out by throwing a ball at kids, stepping on their feet, throwing sand,...
8 Steps of a True Apology
It’s really easy to get down on yourself for behaving regretfully toward your child. What’s hard is forgiving yourself because you’re human and making amends. Repairing mistakes is one of the best skills you can teach your child. Isn’t this what we want them to be...
How To Get Your Kids to Listen-The First Time
How to get your kids to listen (the first time you ask!), without the frustration of yelling, nagging, or asking the same question again and again and again, takes connecting with them-before you start asking. Q. My kids don’t listen to me—ever. I end up shouting till...
How To Ask A Controlling Grandparent to Back Off
Q. I am the mother of two kids, 6 and 8. My mother’s overprotectiveness and interfering nature drives me nuts. She is a fixer for sure and has even called my boss when I shared problems I was having at work. It’s like she is my children’s parent, and I am the nanny....
The Difference Between Limits and Boundaries and Why It’s so Important
If you want your children to become respectful, responsible people, you must model that behavior. With poor boundaries, this is hard to do. Contrary to popular opinion, boundaries and limits are very different from one another, although many use the words...
Unlock Positive Change in Your Child When You Adjust Your Expectations
Q. My son is 11 and an only child. His first reaction to everything is negative, a sigh, makes a face and moans. This is the reaction to every meal (even stuff he likes), an outing he likes or even just being asked to watch tv with us. When we try to do fun family...
Teaching Your Children Self-Control
You come home at the end of the day. Maybe you’ve picked up one child from daycare and another from a playdate. Your tired, you don’t have anything prepared for dinner, and you long for some space. And your kids go at it. Even if its loud fun screaming, it’s draining....
Why Building Connection Early Can Save Battles with Teens
I often read Meghan Leahy’s advice in her column On Parenting for The Washington Post. I saw this headline, How do I connect with my teen son while respecting his independence, and had to read what she would say to this mom. After all, this is totally my wheelhouse....
How to Stop Reacting in the Heat of the Moment
We all know what it’s like to get our buttons pushed. It feels like an attack and a flooding of emotion. We tend to retaliate automatically—it’s that fight, flight or freeze reaction. Typically, we lay blame on our children for doing the pushing or ourselves for being...
What do you do when your child “talks back”?
Q. My 8 year old son is constantly talking back to me and using vulgar language. I tell him that is not acceptable, and he keeps doing it. He argues and doesn’t listen to authority—my authority anyway. He’s fine at school. Teachers love him. When I was young, I would...
Helping Children Confront A Bully
Q. Ines, 8, is a very sweet playing, sporty, capable but gentle friend. On the playground one of her better friends at school is starting to bully her. Tonight she was crying as the girl was telling her to go into a dark shed in the playground. Ines said she didn’t...
Why Rules Feed Resistance and Agreements Build Respect
Q. I’ve been a long time subscriber and benefitted on how to handle parenting issues mostly when my kids were very young. Now my son has turned 18 and feels entitled to stay out as long as he wants. For me and my husband, we still think that house rules apply but I’m...
How to Help Kids Stop Hoarding Screentime
Screentime? How About Freetime Instead As a concerned parent worried about how much time your kids are spending on screens, is it possible you might be adding to the problem in a number of ways. There is no question your job as a parent is dramatically more difficult...
Self-confident Kids are Best Prepared for Success
Q. I have enjoyed reading many things on your website. My husband and I are the owners of 1 integrity child and 1 harmony child. The first makes me nearly lose my mind as I am an integrity person as well. My question is how do you help them understand that the world...
The Power of Acceptance
Instead of starting off the new year with resolutions you are likely to ignore, how about deciding to accept yourself and your kids just the way you are? You might find that acceptance is much harder than setting unrealistic goals that keep you in a state of tension...
Hear Bonnie Harris Talk Connective Parenting on the Safe Home Podcast
I was so honored to sit down as a guest recently with Beth Syverson, who has created the Safe Home Podcast with her son, Joseph Nakao. It's a terrific resource that focuses on helping struggling teens and their families find their healing path. In this episode, we...
How to Manage a Meltdown
Tis the season—for stress, impatience and probably some unrealistic expectations and resentment over why your family isn’t like the happy ones you see on Instagram. That means trickle down stress for your children, no matter what age. Your littlest ones may show it in...
The Screen Time Diet: helping your teen find balance with their tech
For teens, the wave of activity on TikTok, Instagram and games like Roblox can take up hours of their day. Too much screen time can mean they aren’t socialising, staying active or spending enough time doing their homework. But tech can also offer lots of amazing ways...
Why Vacationing with Kids Boosts Their Development
This month, Bonnie has invited guest writer, Abi Long, to offer her traveling insights for families. "Having fun with children creates connection. Connection builds relationships. Relationships are what we need to raise our children. So start having more fun, more of...
From “Toilet Talk” to Curse Words: How Forbidding Turns Curiosity into Weaponry
Q. We have a 4-year-old turning 5 next month, and we have a lot of toilet talk going on. We’ve tried ignoring it, explaining why it’s not okay and that it’s not okay to use in our house. Nothing seems to work. He just lays around and says: penis, boobies, vagina and...
Are you (accidentally) invalidating your child’s feelings?
Are you trying to do the right thing by validating your child’s feelings only to hear even angrier tirades? Your best intentions backfire and you don’t know why. Let’s break this down to figure out why your child is reacting negatively when you are trying to...
When (and when not) to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
Q. While listening to one of your insightful podcasts, "Mom, When Can I Start Watching Porn?", I heard you say "that the best time to start introducing your children to the mechanics of sex and how babies are made and born is between 4 and 6, before it becomes...
Are You Looking at School Success the Wrong Way?
Do you teach your children that their school performance is for you? That’s one way to diminish school motivation. All parents want their children to love school and learn lots. For too many children, the school years are a prison sentence to be endured. School often...
He’s an Integrity Kid, Not a Habitual Liar
Q. My 9 year old boy’s behavior is driving me nuts and making me feel like failure. He is a strong-willed, smart boy, who will do anything only if he likes it. There are many things he decides he doesn’t like to do or eat, and there is no cajoling that can get him to...
How to Talk to Your Kids About the Hard Stuff
After the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary, I wrote an article called Look for the Helpers inspired by Fred Rogers. I am redoing it with the same basic message—sadly because so much more has happened. Not only has gun violence increased, but our democracy and our...
Want to Know the Secret to Supporting Your Perfectionist Child?
Q. My daughter freezes when she is asked a question on the spot or during exams because she is fearful of being wrong, not knowing the answers or not being able to complete the entire tests. What advice should I give her to help her overcome this fear? A. Of course...
How to Ready Your Kids for Financial Success from the Beginning
As parents, our goal is to prepare our children for adult life, independence, and successful living. A key component of this is ensuring they have the best understanding of personal finance as possible. However, this can be a daunting task, especially if we, as...
How to Give an Allowance
~ so your kids grow up financially savvy. Ever get sick and tired of kids begging for one more thing? Ever feel taken for granted because your kids don’t appreciate all you do and buy for them? Ever wish your teenager was more responsible with money? Ever wish your...
Is It Ever Effective to Take Away Privileges?
Q. I know you don’t believe in consequences, but is there ever a circumstance where a consequence is effective even when knowing the root cause of the behavior? Example: My 10-year-old son expressed this morning that he wished he didn’t have to go to school. He was...
Steps to Help a Bullied Child
It is not easy to learn your child is being bullied. You are ready to do battle—anything to save your child from the pain and agony of daily terrorizing. Especially if you were bullied as a child. It’s hard enough to watch a sibling use age and power to overcome the...
The Powerful Meaning of Play
Q: Our bedtime pattern seems to be my 4-yr-old daughter pushing limits until there's a consequence; then she sulks. Two nights ago, for example, she had a couple of little stuffed animals that she was giving voices to that kept interrupting story-time. I said she...
Expert Advice to Design the Ultimate Kids Playroom at Home – Porch
April 15, 2022 Teresa Siqueira This article first appeared in Porch Playing involves so much more than just having fun. It’s an essential activity for kids to have a healthy development. As parents, you can adapt any space at home and design a playroom where your kids...
Basic Trust: Seeing All that Glorious Light
As I sit blissfully holding my infant grandson, I am struck by his fragility and vulnerability. He is dependent on us, his caregivers. And we in turn look to every possible behavioral sign to determine what needs caring for. Is he hungry, tired, does he have an...
28 Reasons to Be a Connective Parent
Q. I am really trying to parent my two kids, 5 and 7, differently than the way I was raised. I am good at telling my husband and my friends that I want to parent with connection. But when they say what does that mean, I’m lost. I get about as far as – ‘Well, it just...
Chores and Other Distasteful Words
I hate the word chores, and I can guarantee your kids do too. Asking kids to do chores is like saying I want you to take on this drudgery, this burden. And then when the expectation is that they should do them willingly because of all you do for them—that’s a...
Feb ’22 Q&A Hitting a Wall? (Revising a conversation from May ’20)
Q. I’m utterly overwhelmed. I’m resentful of those who have support from a partner and grandparents and guilty for feeling resentful. Frustrated that there's no end in sight. Exhausted, emotionally and physically. Sad. I miss my family and friends. Lonely. 3 kids 1, 4...
Willful Defiance: A Lesson for Parents and Teachers
We live in a school culture within a parenting culture that expects its children to fit in and embrace that culture. For many children acculturation happens seamlessly. But for at least 1 in 5 children*, it requires giving up oneself, shifting off base, and...
Jan ’22 Q&A – The Rise in Suicide Since COVID-19: Can strong boundaries make a difference? (Revising a conversation from Oct ‘19)
Q. There were recently two child suicides in neighboring towns to us in less than two weeks, one of them a 13 year old. How does this happen? How can I protect my tween from a similar fate? I am at a loss. What is happening in the world??
A. Too many children all over the country seem to be feeling so forsaken that ending their lives is the only answer. How does anyone, much less a child, come to this conclusion? I cannot presume to have the answer. What we are left with is the question: How do we protect our children from such devastating despair?
According to U.S. News, over the last two years, there has been a steep increase in teen suicide attempts. From February 2020 to March 2021 “emergency rooms visits for suspected suicide attempts were over 50% higher among girls aged 12–17 than during the same period in 2019, according to the study” they referenced.
‘Tis the Season for Compassion
Expectations are always high at this time of year. It’s the season for joy, friendly people wishing each other cheer, generosity of spirit, and family gatherings. But just as often, it’s not for so many. The stress and tension of buying gifts, satisfying expectant...
Simple Ways to Get Your Child in the Mindset of Gift Giving
Q. I have four children ranging from 7 to 14. I have struggled with teaching generosity to each. Do you have any advice for developing a gift-giving guideline? A. Developing a generous spirit in children is a process that can’t exactly be taught, but experienced. So...
6 Warning Signs You Need to Empower Your Harmony Child
Harmony children* are just what the name implies — they thrive on harmony. They hate fights, anger and tension and will do what they can to avoid it. Unlike an Integrity child*, Harmony kids can easily comply with your wishes and back down when faced with anger....
3 Ways to Solve Being Late to School
Q. How should I respond to a child (12yo) who is always late (takes too long to get dressed, takes long showers, keeps skipping breakfast because she takes too long to get ready for school) and she responds: "I am lazy". What can I do to assist her in being more...
9 Signs Your Defiant Kid is Actually an Integrity Child
Are you exhausted and overwhelmed by your clever little manipulator who fights you every step of the way, won’t take no for an answer and will not be told what to do? Do the words stubborn, demanding, disrespectful, disobedient, and argumentative come to mind? My...
Thinking Outside the Box for School-Resistant Kids
My proposed solution is simple: don’t waste a lot of time and money pushing kids in directions they don’t want to go. Instead find out what weirdness they excel at and encourage them to do that. Then get out of the way. ~ Seth Godin Q. What is the best way to respond...
3 Ways to Set the Emotional Tone for the New School Year
I know I’m not alone in thinking this school year would be sort of back to normal. But it’s not over yet and many believe it won’t ever be. We are in a new reality that we first believed temporary. Our kids are going back to school but this year with no option for...
‘Mom! You’re so annoying!’
Q. I know that it’s normal for adolescents to reject their parents to some degree but my son (11) has been coming out with some very explicit insults about me. After school today, when I only said, “Hello”, he replied “You’re so annoying.” I said that I felt it was an...
Just Being
This summer, especially following this Covid-fraught school year, I want to revisit my Be more, teach less philosophy. Kids love summer. It’s a time to be laid back and let go of all the tension around schoolwork and grades. And this year especially, after the stress...
Cookie Momster
Q. I am currently feeling like a failure as a parent. My 12 year old daughter is smart, well behaved, does well in school. However, she sneaks food. In this area, we fight and tempers flare creating a hostile environment at home. She loves junk food like cookies and...
Social Media Masquerade
We get freaked out about how our kids present themselves on social media and what and how they communicate. Much of that freak-out is justified. But remember, for centuries we have been altering our public self-image. Directing portrait artists and photographers to...
Embracing Screen Time
Q. My son is 15 years old, so that means I shouldn’t tell him what to do, right? We have a pool, and I’d rather he swim than play video games. He prefers the latter. He seems to be all done with pool games as are his friends. When they come over, they sit with their...
Finding the “I” in Motherhood
Our second Covid Mother’s Day is upon us. How will you spend it? Will your children bring you breakfast in bed and give you loving cards? Or will you be on duty once again, feeling resentful of the mothers who get breakfast in bed? The role of mother has expanded in...
No Malicious Intent
Q. I am at a loss for how to parent my 5 yo daughter. She does whatever she wants, including things that are dangerous or destructive, even when she knows and has agreed to the rules. This morning we were all in the living room and she left to go to the bathroom....
Being a Better Pandemic Parent: Lighten Up
This year has brought us all to our personal edges. I’m guessing you are exhausted and done with it. You want your kids back in school with a schedule you can count on, and you want your life back to normal. You’re also probably juggling guilt about not being a good...
Connecting with a Child’s Negative Self-Talk
Q. My son will make a negative statement about anything and then immediately follow it by a more extreme version, e.g. "I want to die...I have wanted to die since I was born!" OR "No, I don't know that you love me...I have NEVER known that you love me." I don't know...
How to Stop Yelling (so much)
Do you yell more often than you like? Does yelling fall short of getting the result you want? Do you find yourself yelling when you don’t realize you’re doing it? Do your kids say you yell all the time? Is yelling easier than stay calm? If you answer yes to any of...
Trying to Bottle Up a Tornado?
Q. My 6 yr. old son is worrying me to death. He seems to wake up in the morning with a wish to hurt as many things as he can – including me and sister. He has even screamed at his grandparents. If anyone so much as looks at him funny or tells him to do anything, he...
Stress Management Needed? Look for the Triggers
With Covid stretching all of us thin, families are experiencing more emotional upheavals than ever—kids and parents, alike. The #1 step to managing anger and stress is to give yourself and your kids a break and keep it present—stop catastrophizing fears into the...
Shift Your Perspective on Screentime
Q. I don’t know what to do anymore about screens. My 9 and 12 year olds are not only on screens all day for school but then they crave playing their games and it’s all I can do not to just give up. I hate the way they behave when they get off and we end up in some...
4 Ways to Keep Your Teens Safe: Go for Connection
For any parent who fears the teen years—and who doesn’t—I can tell you how to make sure your teens will steer clear of all the horrible things you imagine. I know what you’re saying. Obviously, I can’t guarantee anything. But if you fulfill the 4 steps below, I would...
Look for the Lie’s Intention Rather than its Crime
Q. My almost 7 year old has started a habit of telling lies. We have talked about this several times. I have confronted him when he has told lies. He seems to understand. The hard part is that his Dad tells "white lies" and if he is confronted about things will find a...
How NOT to Raise an Entitled Brat
‘Tis the season for gratitude and generosity—and for expecting it in our children especially at this time of year. The gimmies and the lengthy lists for Santa provoke fears of consumeristic, unappreciative, thoughtless kids. The daily dose of “I don’t want to…” after...
How to Deal with an Angry Child
Q. What is an appropriate response to a child who hits you or pushes you out of anger and he is 11? When the anger escalates, and you tell him it’s not ok and he still does it? It’s a slippery slope. This same child has also been extremely violent to his brother and...
Is it really all about me?
As much as I talk about the importance of taking care of yourself, of filling up your cup so you can fill your children’s, we put ourselves at the bottom of our to-do list—if we make it to the list at all. There’s always too much to do. I received this email from a...
How to Avoid the Struggle of Parenting Under Scrutiny
Q. I have a very strong-willed, acting out 8-year-old boy. I only recently read and started implementing your 8 principles book and watched your YouTube videos and am trying to implement your “connective parenting” approach which has already been very helpful. But I...
7 Important Homeschooling Mistakes to Avoid
While you’re probably, and rightly, thinking about everything you should be doing, it’s also essential to think about the things you shouldn’t be doing, and the things you need to avoid.
The Blame Game
Ever worry that your kids don’t take responsibility for themselves, always get defensive when criticized and blame somebody else? How many adults do you know like that? Blaming something or someone else when we are angry, criticized, or thwarted is as natural to...
10 Ways to Deal with Fear and Anger
Q. I just completed chapter 7, Don’t Take It Personally, in your Buttons book. Holy cow, that is my life right now! Things have been tough on-and-off for the last 4 years, but with being stuck at home, resistance to distance learning, working as a single mom, and...
It’s a Strange New School World… Still
Another school year has begun. But this one is unlike any other. All the emotions that come up for you and your children at this time of year are exaggerated and exacerbated by Covid. Nothing is normal, nothing is predictable. But school is school however it is...
When You Think Your Teen May Be Depressed
Q. My concern is that my teenage son who has been struggling with remote learning and isolation, is of a generation that grew up having to be worried about school shootings, climate, higher levels of political divide, protests and rioting, and now a pandemic. I’m...
Turn Your Stress into Positive Modeling
Seriously, has parenting ever been more stressful than it has been the past 5 months? And it continues as many of you are stressed over continued remote learning, whether to send your kids back to school or not (if you even have a choice), worry that your children are...
Change Your Beliefs; Change Your Experience
The beliefs we each hold can sustain us, move us forward, and hold us. They can also sabotage our desires and drive our lives in a direction we either don’t want to go or, more likely, are too afraid to change. But the good news is we can tackle those beliefs and...
June ’20 Q&A – Taking the High Road
Q. Many years ago, I wrote an email asking for advice about an incident that had happened to my son. You wrote a response that was not only full of honesty and wisdom but that assuaged my feelings of incompetence as a parent. Today, that young boy is now a man and is...
Privilege, Fairness, and the Coronavirus:
A guide for conversations with kids about the virus, the protests, and race. There’s a lot of material online about how to talk to kids about the state of the world right now. But you also want them to think for themselves. Kids are so used to being told what to do,...
May ’20 Q&A – Hitting a Wall?
Q. I’m utterly overwhelmed. I’m resentful of those who have support from a partner and grandparents and guilty for feeling resentful. Frustrated that there's no end in sight. Exhausted, emotionally and physically. Sad. I miss my family and friends. Lonely. 3 kids 1, 4...
The Lessons of Stress
Ever notice that when things are going really well and you feel balanced, you are patient, flexible, empathic, and fun-loving with your children? And when you feel generally crummy, stressed, tired and hungry, your focus turns in on yourself and you get quite...
Apr. ’20 Q&A – Trying to Homeschool and Police at the Same Time?
Q. I’m trying to find the balance of working from home, homeschooling my 8 yo, and watching my 15 yo to make sure he gets his work done and doesn’t spend all his time on YouTube and video games. The hardest part is seeing the effects of this shut-down on my teen who...
There’s a Crack in Everything
These are dark times even though it’s getting lighter outside. None of us ever imagined—even a month ago—that we would be sheltered in our homes, fearing the coronavirus, learning daily the frightening number of new cases and deaths, unable to get together with...
Mar’ 20 Q&A – Stuck At Home With Meltdowns
Q. Stuck at home with three kids is bad enough but one of them is going to drive me insane. My older and my younger are doing their work and managing okay, but my 8 yr. old refuses to do his school work, along with everything else, and has regular meltdowns....
Homebound with Kids: Crisis or Opportunity?
I am more scared about spending all day every day with my 4 kids and their different emotions and stages than I am about getting a virus. Mom on facebook. We are floundering in uncharted territory. Never could we imagine the scenario we are all living with this...
What If I Mess Up?
Am I screwing up my child? Have I failed? I’m so afraid it’s too late. Ever have these fears? Well, you’re in good company. Parents, mothers mostly, worry far too much about failing as a parent. It can be a debilitating fear that obstructs making connection with a...
Feb ’20 Q&A – The Value of Allowance
Q. What is the right approach to give pocket money to 7.5 year old? I’m confused between giving some amount on a weekly basis as pocket money and keeping a list of chores which can be done to earn money. I don't want her to think work needs to be done only when you...
How to Track Your Teen on Social Media (Ethically)
We all worry about the amount of time our kids spend on social media, how much of their energy it consumes, and how it effects our their behavior and emotions. Typically, a parent’s go-to is to fear the worst. When fear gets in the way, we go into control mode. We are...
Jan ’20 Q&A – When Correction Feels Like Criticism
Q. How can I help my 8 year old son understand that I love him just the way he is AND I want him to grow, learn and improve? He says he feels humiliated and ashamed every time I ask him to learn something new because he feels like I’m saying he needs to be better than...
Less is More in the New Year
The key to becoming a better and happier parent is NOT to add on more to-dos. Especially expectations of yourself and your kids none of you can be successful meeting. You’ll all feel worse. You may want to do things better, but I promise that most likely means doing...
Why Kids Lie to Parents and What Helps
Q. I am currently feeling like a failure as a parent. My 12 year old daughter is smart, well behaved, does well in school. However, there are 2 main areas where we fight and tempers flare resulting in a tense hostile environment at home. 1) She sneaks food. She loves...
How to Raise a Generous Gift Giver
“You can’t open the green package we’re bringing you until you put your tree up,” my grandson told us over FaceTime with the authority of the “knower of the gift”. It hasn’t been long that he’s been able to contain the secret of what’s in the package. It’s close to...
Managing Family Disapproval at Holiday Time
Q. I have worked hard to raise my boys, 5 and 8, very differently from how I was raised. I have followed your principles of Connective Parenting and want to stick with them. One of my boys is very strong-willed and, as you say, “won’t take no for an answer”. The other...
What to do When Your Button Gets Pushed
We all know what it’s like to lose it with a child. When that button gets pushed, you see red, your authority and sanity flies out the window and you say and do things you swore you never would. It feels like there’s nothing you can do about it—but there is. Once you...
Oct ’19 Q&A – The Rise in Suicide: Can strong boundaries make a difference?
Q. There were recently two child suicides in neighboring towns to us in less than two weeks, one of them a 13 year old. How does this happen? How can I protect my tween from a similar fate? I am at a loss. What is happening in the world?? A. Too many children all over...
Don’t Take It Personally
What happens to you when your child behaves less than perfectly? When he ignores you or she screams, “I don’t have to listen to you.” Some of you can respond effectively by changing your behavior and addressing whatever the situation is from a different or calmer...
Sept ’19 Q&A – What to Do About Lying
Q. My 9 yo son recently stole some money, told me he didn’t, and that his friends must have. Then he planted the money in his sister’s room to frame her before telling me to, “search my room”. I’ve no idea what to say or do. I asked him repeatedly. I left a pot out...
Talking to Your Kids About Gun Violence
Every parent in the US has justified fear for their children’s safety—as well as their own. Even though mass shootings are sparse, when two happen in one weekend, it feels like an everyday occurrence. As we enter the new school year, we wonder—could it happen here?...
8 Suggestions for Teaching Mindfulness to Children
By Aimee Laurence Mindfulness is good for all of us. It helps us be present as parents, choosing better responses instead of going with the first thing that comes to mind. It’s also good for children because it helps them pay attention, stay calm when they feel upset,...
Teaching Your Child to Handle a Bully
Q. My daughter is 8 years old. She is quiet, honest, kind, diligent, and the “dream child to teach”, the teachers say. She follows every rule to the T. On the playground, one of her better friends is starting to bully her. She was crying as she was telling me about...
Talking to your Kids about Substance Abuse
By Cassidy Webb When I started using drugs at 15 years old, I thought my parents had no idea. I was positive that I hid it well,but I was wrong. I thought that because I was still playing basketball and making good grades nobody would know I was abusing drugs and...
July ’19 Q&A – Work With Your Child on Issues that Bug You Most
Q. I currently feel like a failure as a parent. My 12 year old daughter is smart, well behaved, does well in school. However, there are 2 main areas that we often fight about resulting in a tense hostile environment at home. One is sneaking junk food. We have a policy...
Making Peace with Fears and Doubts
How can we be so presumptuous as to think we know what is best for our children, what is the right thing for them to do, what are the right decisions for them to make? Plain and simple – we don’t know. We simply do not know, and to think we do, to believe we should...
June ’19 Q&A – Control vs. Problem Solving and Balance
Q. I have a 16 yr. old daughter home from boarding school after 3 years. Since school started, she has been with "friends" every evening till 8 or 9 PM. On weekends, she has been out at least till 11 PM. She wants me to extend weeknight curfew to 9 PM and to midnight...
When Kids Made the Rules: Sandlot Baseball Taught Kids More Than Sport
Remember sandlot baseball? Neighborhood kids got together anytime they could down at the empty lot, out in the street or at the playground to choose teams and play ball. No coaches, no parents, no supervision. The basic rules of the game provided a structure within...
Peer Relationships: Supporting your Child Through the Pain and Hurt of Friendships
Q. My 8 yr. old daughter, M, started playing with B last year and became her best friend. Towards the end of the year M became quite possessive of B. The situation escalated when B's mother decided to "ban" B from playing with M. When this school year began, the ban...
How to Step Out of a Power Struggle
When we engage in power struggles with our children, it means we are invested in being right. When we must be right—"I'm the parent, I know best. You must do what I say"—the child is wrong and is left feeling powerless. The child then must fight back to preserve...
Opening up Communication so Sadness and Stress Doesn’t Turn to Depression
Q. I'm concerned about my almost 15 year-old boy. He is depressed and with good reason. He is slightly on the spectrum and has A.D.D. (no hyperactivity). We've moved twice in 14 months and we're currently renting. He is a creature of habit and our lives have been...
The Power of Acceptance
All parents struggle with fears and worries about their children and many end up just getting in their own way. When you take your children’s behavior personally and use your authority to control them to do what you want, you may wind up creating the scenario you most...
Mar. ’19 Q&A – Being Your Child’s Friend and Parent, Angry Behavior and When the Coach is a Bully
Being Your Child's Friend and Parent Q. I do welcome your advice and think you speak a lot of sense, but I am not sure about your advice to be your child’s friend in one of your articles. What is wrong with being a mum? I am the only person who can officially be...
When Helicopter Parenting Crashes and Burns
In the wake of the recent college admissions scandal, my concern is with the students who are waking up to a whole new vision of themselves. Many of them from fifty known families—so far—apparently knew none of what their parents were up to—until now. Some received a...
Feb. ’19 Q&A – Food Demands, Imagination and Fear, and Religious Doubt
Stop Catering to Food Demands Q. My kids, 5 and 3, have had catered food of their choice their whole lives, and we can't figure out how to switch without enduring weeks and months of misery at the table. When we tried a year ago, we gave up after about a week and a...
Hugs Reduce Stress
Toxic stress in early childhood can harm children for life, warns the American Academy of Pediatrics and the Center for Disease Control (CDC). Don't think your children have experienced toxic stress? All children do to differing degrees. Whoever said childhood is...
Jan. ’19 Q&A – Fantasy Play, Honor Who Your Child is, and Understanding the Draw of Xbox
Fantasy Play Q. My 4 year old loves pretend play. She often starts out the day by saying, " pretend I'm Peter Pan and you’re ....” It almost seems like a deep-seated need to play this way. I find that if I don't play with her like this then she is harder to deal with....
Engaging Kids in Housework
Kids don’t want to do chores. That’s a fact. Expect this. That doesn’t mean let them off the hook. It is essential for our kids to be contributing members of the family to develop an investment in and consideration for their family members. A family is a team. When...
Dec. ’18 Q&A – Big Emotions, Angry Outbursts and a Must Read
Handling Big Emotions and Understanding the Behavior Q. We had an episode with our 5 1/2 yr. old son. For the past 2 years, we have tried every approach. Our son is smart but immature. We feel he lacks confidence and tends to hold things in rather than talk. I tried...
How NOT to Raise an Entitled Brat
Tis the season for generosity of spirit and deed — and for highlighting the lack of it in our children. I bet not one of you hopes your children will become more self-absorbed, stingy, ungrateful, and inconsiderate. You do everything in your power to prevent this. So...
Nov. ’18 Q&A – Refusing Warm Clothes, Night Diapers and Handling Peer Pressure
What to do when a child refuses warm clothes Q. I am stuck on an issue with my almost 4 yr. old son. He has been insisting on wearing shorts and t-shirts for the last few months no matter what the weather. When this came up, refusing coats/long sleeves/pants, I went...
On Being a Parent
Becoming a parent is easy. Being a parent is the hardest job you will ever have. There are as many “shoulds” and “oughts” about parenting as books on bookstore shelves. What should you do? Who do you listen to? Some say trust your instincts. I agree. After all we are...
Oct. ’18 Q&A – Pull-ups for Poops, Healthy Anger and Early Adolescent Rejection
Pull-ups for Poops Q. My 4 yo daughter won’t poop on the potty/toilet. She uses a pull-up to poop (she is very independent in the process). She holds it if she isn’t at home. She is totally fine with peeing in the toilet and has been for about 2 years now. Two things...
What the #MeToo Movement Can Teach Parents
I doubt if there is a parent alive who is okay with a daughter being sexually compromised, unable to stop unwanted advances, or getting less pay than her male counterpart — or a son becoming a bully or sexual predator who objectifies women for his pleasure and who...
Sept. ’18 Q&A – Old Beliefs, English as a Second Language and Teen Swearing
Old Beliefs Interfere with Appropriate Discipline Q. I could never argue my case to my parents and was told not to sass them and be quiet or I wouldn't get to do what I wanted or I’d have privileges taken away. I don't like how my parents handled this, but I still...
4 Ways to Help Your Child Succeed in School
Of course, you want your children to succeed in school. You do all you can to manage getting their best. But what really is your job? Is it to insure good grades, getting involved in the right sports and extra-curriculars, and diligently doing their homework? If so...
Aug. ’18 Q&A – Does your child fit with his school, Disrespect and Test Anxiety
Does your child fit with his school? Q. Our feisty 5 yo is not settling into school too well, and we have to attend meetings with the teacher due to his misbehaving ways. When asked why he acts out, ie: drawing on walls, running away from the class, ignoring...
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
We all know the feeling. Our child says or does that certain something, we see red and react in ways we regret. We feel out of control, blame the child, and set up our next power struggle. We “go on automatic” and lose our maturity and authority. But we have a choice....
Jul. ’18 Q&A – Sleep Training, Common Frustrations, and Finding the Best Direction
Sleep Training Q. I’m wondering if you have any advice on “sleep training”. My baby is almost 8 months and breastfed to sleep for naps and bed time. We also co-sleep. But my husband is ready for him to move to his room and everyone is trying to give me advice about...
Hindsight on Gaming and Screentime
Gaming and computer usage is probably the hottest topic in parenting. I have said much about it and share some articles here, but there is nothing like the horse’s mouth. This mom of an 18 yr. old son and two teen daughters, commented on my Facebook Group so...
June ’18 Q&A – Refusing the Toilet, Unrealistic Expectations and Huge Feelings
Refusing the Toilet Q. My 3 yr old daughter goes to a small home daycare and uses the toilet there without accidents but refuses to use the toilet at home. I understand that it’s more of a control issue than a potty training issue. I have been letting her wear pull...
When Do I Draw the Line?
Parents who want to leave the reward and punishment methods behind often have a hard time letting go fully and embracing a truly connective relationship with their children. When my child won’t do what has to be done, I have to draw the line, don’t I? I try to be...
May ’18 Q&A – Confidence, Empathy and Shopping
Is it lack of confidence or too much control? Q. Our 5-year old boy is struggling with confidence. He has difficulty focusing at school and we don't want him to get behind. There are 22 kids in his class and the school has an expectation of work. Also has trouble...
Getting Your Kids to Listen to You. Could There Be Anything Better?
When your kids don’t listen, how long does your patience last? You think you’ve tried everything. You ask nicely, you keep asking nicely until you explode, you lecture about all you do for them, you give them consequences for not listening, you give them extra...
April ’18 Q&A – “Bad” Preschool Behavior, Racism and Screentime
“Bad” Preschool Behavior Q. Our 31/2 year old grandson just started preschool, and has already gotten an email (in 6 days) about how bad his behavior is. Not listening, not being nice with other kids, etc. I don't think he is old enough to verbalize what is...
Music and ADHD: A Quick Guide for Parents
We all love music. Now we know it can help attention span for kids with ADHD. Bono once famously said, “Music can change the world because it can change people.” This sentiment is true on a number of levels, including helping people with attention deficit disorders...
Taming Your Gremlin ®*
We all say and do things we don’t mean. How many times have you screamed or slammed a door or hit a child and moments later regretted it. You knew better, right? So how come you didn’t do what you wished you had in the moment? Because your fears and assumptions got...
March ’18 Q&A – Getting Choices to Work, Getting a Spouse On Board and Swearing
Getting Choices to Work Q. What is the next step after saying, "You can either pick up that toy you threw and put it in the box or hand it to me. Which do you choose?" and the child refuses to choose or states they refuse to do either? I frequently find this with my 3...
What Your Teen Wants to Hear From You
Parents of teens tear their hair out wondering what happened to that child who cooperated at least some of the time, listened once in a while, and adjusted to the limits set some of the time. Now an attitude seems to replace that child and an alien has taken over. The...
February ’18 Q&A – Handling Big Emotions, When Anger Gets Physical and When to Negotiate and When Not
Handling Big Emotions Q. My 4-year-old son still has very intense fits/tantrums. He has an older brother who is 6 1/2. A lot of the time we try and ignore his fits, and usually he will go to his bed and get his loveys and cry. Sometimes his fits can be more than 15...
“Wait, aren’t I the parent here?” Using Your Parent Authority
The human child remains with a parent until the child is capable of making his own decisions about his health, safety, and well-being. The parent holds authority over this child until that time — usually through the teen years. That’s the reason for parent authority....
January ’18 Q&A – Sharing & Hogging, School Resistance and The Dark Side
Sharing and Hogging Q. My three-year-old has a very big issue with sharing and hogging. She has an 18 mo. old sister who is not allowed to touch anything. I understand that my daughter still is having a hard time with her arrival, she has to share me, she doesn't get...
How Parents Can Encourage Gratitude and Gift-Giving
Q. How do you encourage gratitude in your children when they receive gifts? Mine just tear into them and could care less where they came from. I feel the cold stares from my family members when they are not acknowledged, or I have to tell my kids to say thank you....
December ’17 Q&A – Anger Management, Stealing and Mutual Respect
Q. I have two sons almost 3 and 5. The 5 y.o. seems to take his anger out on his brother with some physical violence when he's upset. After an incident, I take the 5 y.o. upstairs to his room and we talk about our family rules (respect others, respect ourselves and...
Empowering Boys and Girls in a Culture of Sexual Harassment
The news has been shocking to say the least. But I believe the tide is turning. Powerful men are being called to the table and women are feeling strength in numbers. How did we get here? Or rather, if this is the beginning of the end of centuries of male conquest and...
November ’17 Q&A – New-found Independence, Conflicting Agendas and Making Friends
New-found Independence Q. My 3 ½ yr. old son has on ongoing heart condition that he was born with that is being controlled by daily medication (morning, afternoon & evening). He is very bright and articulate and has always been amazing at taking his drugs but over...
If I Don’t Punish or Give Consequences, What DO I Do? How to Use Problem Solving
Even after I outline problem solving to a frustrated parent of a child who just keeps pushing the limits, I get the same reply. “Yeah, okay, but what do I DO?” It’s hard to understand at first that logical words, emotional understanding and empathy, and asking the...
October ’17 – Grieving, Transitions and News Anxiety
How to Deal With Grieving Q. My 3.5 yo nephew’s adored grandmother has just died. She lived far away and he and his mother have just spent two weeks with her. They just got back only to discover that she died right after they left. My question is how his parents...
5 Things Never to Ask Your Child Right After School
You want to interact and make connection when your kids get home from school. Your kids do too but not in the way you might think. You’ve missed them, you want to know what they did all day, how they got along, if they had any problems. But questions can feel like an...
September ’17 Q&A – Getting Out the Door, Talking About Suicide, Sibling Conflict
Getting Out the Door Q. HOW do I get my 3.75 yr. old to MOVE in the morning?? It's not a matter of getting up earlier or being more organized. When he knows we're going to school, he puts the breaks on and repeatedly tells me he doesn't want to go to school. This is...
10 Ways to Get Respect from Your Child
We want our children to grow to be happy and successful, yes — but more specifically, to be responsible, respectful, grateful, honest, kind, empathic, helpful and giving to others. The irony is that traditional methods of parenting — varying degrees of reward and...
12 Ways to Boost School Motivation
Do you, unintentionally, teach your children that their school performance is for you—not for them? If so, school motivation will diminish. Parents place so much value on grades and performance that the message to the child is, I care more about how you do than what...
A Guide to Choosing the Best Child Care Center
Selecting the right child care is perhaps one of the most important decisions you will make during the early years of your child’s life. It demands thorough research on your part as you narrow down the most suitable environments for your little ones. Jackie Edwards,...
July ’17 Q&A – Pacifiers / Shyness / Self-loathing
Your Questions / My Answers Should I use the pacifier for calming? Q. My son is 2.5 years. My question relates to dummy use. He has always soothed through sucking! I breastfed until he was two. Then I fell pregnant just before his 2nd birthday so a drop in supply. I...
The Power of Waiting
No matter the child, no matter the situation, waiting for emotions to cool and for the situation to pass, can make all the difference in your ability to connect. The following is a story from the mom of an Aspergers child: As we drove to school one Monday morning, out...
How to be a More Confident Parent
Do you want to feel more confident in your parenting decisions and actions? Do you want a mutually respectful and loving relationship with your kids? Do you want a little more cooperation in your family? Here is the book you’ll wish your parents had — because then you...
Involve Your Child in Choosing Activities
With summer vacation here, how do you choose the right programs or activities for your kids? Sometimes it’s clear, sometimes it’s not. Lots of agendas are involved when schedules and locations are important in choosing activities year-round. When choosing activities,...
Discipline? Absolutely, as long as it’s positive
What does the word discipline conjure up for you? Takes you right back to childhood, right? Did you like being disciplined? I bet not. When I talk about the benefits of shared power, connection, and problem solving, parents inevitably ask, "Are you saying that we...
Gaming: Hobby or Addiction?
Do you worry that your child who loves gaming more than anything else has an addiction? If so, chances are you panic and fear a future for your child that is not pretty. In that emotional state you react in anger and wield threatening consequences when your child...
How to Get to Calm: Lessons from the Oregon Trail
What would it take for you to stay calm when it comes to managing your kids’ behavior? Sometimes it feels like a herculean task. Remember the Oregon trail? One wagon after another followed the tracks made by earlier wagons. The ruts got deeper and deeper as more...
Helping Teens Cope with Stress
So many parents are concerned about how stressed out their teens are. Helping them cope with stress can be tricky when it seems like they don't want our help or interference. I asked Jennifer Salerno to write a blog for you based on her book, Teen Speak, an essential...
When Your Child Feels Worry or Despair
Don't go underground when you see worry or despair in your child. What do I say to my kids when they seem consumed with worry or despair for their futures and when tragedy cuts down innocent lives? When leaders demonstrate behaviors that I work hard to steer my...
New Year’s Resolutions: 10 Exhausting Things to Give Up
If you’re making New Year’s resolutions this year, remember less is more. The key to becoming a better and happier parent in the new year is NOT to add on any expectations of yourself that you can’t be successful meeting. You’ll just feel worse. That does no one any...
Childhood Beliefs: The Keepers of the Secrets
When long-held childhood beliefs are dashed, parents need to pick up the pieces and initiate children into the keepers of the secrets. “Mom, you’re the tooth fairy, aren’t you?” accused my nine year old daughter out of the blue one morning holding the evidence in her...
Mindful Parenting: Accept Not Knowing
Why are we obsessed with having the answers? What am I supposed to do? How much should I push? When do I pull back? What is the right answer? When is this child ever going to learn….? What am I to do? We seem to be constantly questioning ourselves and our competency....
The Dos and Don’ts of Power Struggles
When my daughter Molly was five, I was exhausted and drained everyday. I couldn’t see a way out of our daily power struggles. She was pushing all my buttons, and I was reacting with hostility. But it was the mental notes playing in my head that got me the most. I was...
The Bossy Child
Do you have a bossy child? One who tells others what to do, how to play the game, what to say? A child who throws a fit if things don’t go her way? “Bossy” is a word that gets our dander up. “Bossy” typically translates for a frustrated parent as mean, rude,...
10 Ways to Keep Up with Your Teen
Sometimes it’s all you can do to keep up with life. To keep up with your teen can seem daunting. Your relationship with your teen can make or break your teen’s experience and relationships with peers, friends, school, and family. Research shows that connection with...
Defiant Child or Full of Integrity?
When your child misbehaves, do you see a defiant child or a child who is trying desperately to get it right? Your perception makes the difference. Typically we see these children as stubborn, bull-headed, bossy, defiant, rude—a problem. The parents I hear from most...
The Story of a Family
by Julietta Cerin This is the best complete description of Connective Parenting I know—all the better because it's written by a mom who has struggled through the ups and downs and learned its immense value in her relationship with her child—in her family of two. I am...
Real Parenting for Real Kids
How many of you began the journey of parenthood even before pregnancy either assuming all will be fine and you will have that sweet, cuddly Gerber baby and be a great parent or going at it with fervor and determination that you will never do to your kids what was done...
Roosters Need Understanding Too
I saw an exhibit of Art Spiegelman’s many years of brilliant comic work at The Jewish Museum in NYC. One comic strip caught my attention as brilliant parenting advice. I share it here. The comic was Spiegelman’s fairy tale of a Prince who told his father, the King...
To Give In or Let Go: That is the Question
I was stuck in power struggles with my daughter because I didn’t want to give in. If I did, I feared she would have all the power. She would learn that anytime she wanted her way, she could just dig in until she outlasted me. I couldn’t have that. So I dug in too....
Distracted Driving Lessons
Do you have a young driver in your family? Or a soon-to-be one? We all worry about our teens (or soon to be teens even if they’re now only two) as they are about to take the wheels of our cars and get on the road. Distractions are everywhere. Does your teen driver see...
Prevention of Drug Use: Are we looking deep enough?
Our state of NH is first in the nation in the horrendous heroin epidemic. Our Governor has appointed a "senior director for substance misuse and behavioral health" who is focusing on prevention by proposing “curriculum infusion” in our schools from kindergarten on up....
A Connected Relationship with Your Kids
If you’re thinking about making changes in your relationships with your children, here is an inspirational story from a parent in Australia to get you jump-started. As you can see, it often takes time and effort to get to a truly connected relationship. The work you...
In Times of Tragedy…
The nature of tragedy is that it is out of our control. Ultimately so is just about everything. The nature of parenting is the desire to maintain control. The irony is that in order to best handle times of tragedy and to best maintain influence over our children, we...
The Skinny on “Consequences”
Whenever I talk to parents about ending the use of rewards and punishments, I hear, “But doesn’t my child have to experience a consequence for her behavior?” Sounds logical; sounds appropriate. The problem is most parents don’t allow the kinds of consequences that...
How Kids Learn to be Bad
When kids are viewed as bad, they learn they are bad, and so they behave badly. Most parents don't believe this. Here it is from the horses mouth. I wanted to share with all of you this testament to connection, to listening and trusting your child and how he operates,...
12 Ways to Encourage School Motivation
As this school year it’s entering it final months, parents are thinking about how to help their kids finish up with a flourish. Here's 12 ways to encourage school motivation. Parents typically and unintentionally teach their children that their school performance is...
Is your child being punished by rewards?
The school year has only just begun. It’s a time when children are excited to return to school, see their friends, meet their new teachers and feel really good about being a year older. Right? Not for all. I received an email from a mother who said her son shoved his...
Fear—It’s what anger is really about
“If only I didn’t get so angry!” Parents know their anger causes all sorts of problems—but what do you do about it? Fear is what provokes anger. And fear is where parents live a great deal of the time. He’s so mean to his sister, how’s he going to treat his wife? She...
The Simplicity of Parenting
When my daughter Molly was nine, she and I were having a conversation about envy and jealousy. She was in one of those philosophical moods when she loved to talk about her views on everything. I asked her if she still felt envious of her older brother, Casey, as she...
Do You Have a Monster Living in Your House?
I had a perfectly lovely, sweet little girl living with us until she started to walk. Then she turned into a monster. For four and a half years before that, I had what I had longed for, what all mother’s-to-be hope for—an easy, happy, cooperative, snuggly little...
Happy Siblings for Mother’s Day
Wouldn’t it be nice if your Mother’s Day gift from your children would be their promise never to fight again and to love each other always. As much as we try for sibling love and harmony, we cannot make it happen. But we can influence their relationship, their...
Can You Be Friends with Your Child?
Wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard, Never be friends with your child. The thinking behind this, I presume, is that children need a parent’s authority; they do not need to be a confidante. True enough. However, does the separation of friend and parent give...
The Many Faces of Peer Pressure
Peer pressure. It’s a term that provokes fear in every parent—fear that children will succumb to the negative influence of classmates and friends to behave in dangerous ways. Parents worry that being liked and a part of the popular group will be more important to...
Walking on Eggshells or Shell-shocked?
Ever feel that way? You try desperately to avoid the inevitable meltdown, the screaming “NO!”, the next “I don’t have to and you can’t make me” or the falling on the floor in a fit of tears—in the middle of the supermarket. I hear so often, “Everyday it’s the same...
5 Don’ts for Effective Careers (oh, and Parenting, too)
Instead of telling you what to add for the new year, I’m going to tell you what to avoid. I saw a Business Insider article about the 5 behaviors that may be killing your career. As I read them, I realized that the same holds true in parenting. These 5 behaviors may be...
Home for the Holidays: Stressful or Inviting?
When it’s “home for the holidays”, it is the rare adult who does not trip back into the role they played as a child within their family of origin. The same old feuds, difficult relationships, favoritisms, and grudges occur. Perhaps they are held beneath the surface,...
The Keepers of the Secrets
“Mom, you’re the tooth fairy, aren’t you?” accused my nine year old daughter out of the blue one morning as she held up a tooth in her fingers. Molly had conducted a test after finding an old tooth (who knows where), put it where she had many others, but this time the...
Developing the Roots of Helpfulness in Your Children
Many power struggles are fought over attempts to get our children to do what we expect in the name of learning to be helpful and take responsibility. Too often our best intentions get derailed. Instead of teaching helpfulness and responsibility, we teach them...
Entitlement: The By-Product of Indulgent Parenting
“These kids today” are the words out of every older generation referring to the generation about to replace them. It’s hard to accept change. Every generation thinks they are better than the next and the youth are messing everything up and doing it all wrong. What do...
Communication 101: How to get your child to listen
Communication is the core of the parent/child relationship. It makes or breaks connection. It’s not so much what we say but how we say it that conveys meaning to our children. We may want to get a point across, but tone of voice and body language determine whether the...
Do you know about cough medicine abuse?
We're hearing a lot of scary stuff these days about crazy new drugs and worst of all, the cheapness and ease of obtaining heroin. More than ever we are scared for our children's futures when their lives can turn on a dime. What we're learning is that the new gateway...
Child Abuse, the NFL, and the History of Slavery
When I heard about Adrian Peterson’s switch-beating of his 4 yr. old son with all the gruesome details, I was filled with disgust. Then he claimed that he was brought up that way, and he did it to teach his son right from wrong. Ignorant of child development and...
The Gift of Letting Go
A question and answer in my last newsletter resulted in the following responses from both parents with such an inspiring story, I had to share it. I think everyone, no matter how old your children are, can gain from this. Letting go can be the hardest job in...
Parenting at the Beach
While relaxing at the beach, I could not help but overhear snippets of interactions from a very nice looking family not too far from us. Here is teaching at it’s best—seeing and hearing from an objective perspective—this time it was what NOT to do. Here are a few...
“You just don’t understand!” ~ a teen’s lament
Sound familiar? And I have to agree. We don’t understand. Most of us have locked away the pains of our teen years and approach this raising children business with a hindsight perspective (read, I now know better). Teens feel misunderstood, angry and detached from the...
Building Defensive Behavior One Brick at a Time
Don’t do that! You know you're not supposed to…. What do I have to do to get you to listen to me? Stop hitting your sister. Cut it out. How many times do I have to tell you?! Brendan!! Quiet down, you’re going to be the death of me! (read all with tone of frustration...
Have You Accepted the Child You’ve Got?
Acceptance of your child is the single most important factor in insuring your child's self-confidence and strength of will to resist the negative influences we spend so much time worrying about. Acceptance is often a hard concept for parents to get because it sounds...
How We Say It Makes or Breaks Connection
Communication is the core of the parent/child relationship. Communication makes or breaks connection. It’s not so much what we say but how we say it that conveys meaning to our children. We may intend to teach a lesson or get a point across but our tone of voice and...
Equal pay for mothers? No one could afford it.
Our culture views the job of parenting as ordinary everyday nothing. Billions of women do it, it is required for the continuation of the culture and yet society doesn't value it, pay for it, or even offer a tax break for full time parenting. Nor is there instruction...
Building Resilience from the Ground Up
When little children fall and skin their knees, drop things that break, get pushed around by other kids, run outside without a coat, don’t eat a thing when it’s put in front of them—our “mother bear” instinct comes out and we do everything we can to protect them. Of...
The Reasons I am a Connective Parent
I choose to be a connective parent because flexibility and self-direction are the two top competencies needed to succeed in the 21st Century. I choose to empathize with my child because understanding another’s point of view is paramount in establishing good...
How to be a Less Distracted Parent
Everything about our lives today distract us from what is really important—connecting with our inner cores so we can better connect with others, especially our children. A less distracted parent is a better model for calmer more focused children. When parents are...
Who Can We Blame?
As a follow-up to my recent blog about the amazing personal journey of Gayle Kirschenbaum and her mother that will be available to all of us in her upcoming movie, "Look at Us Now, Mother", I wanted to post this personal question I got from a parent a long time ago....
Eat Your Peas or No Dessert! Establishing Healthy Eating Habits.
Do you have a picky eater? Are you worried your child will never get any nutrition and will eat only white food for the rest of her life? Or is p, b, and j your son’s only staple? Keeping our children healthy and well fed tops the list of any parent’s job description....
Our Living Legacies or Baggage We Can Drop
We live our lives, choose our experiences and relationships, believe in ourselves, and raise our children according to how we were raised. Many do not connect the dots to form the connection. Many swear they are nothing like their parents and would never make the same...
The Rooster Under the Table
I recently saw an exhibit of Art Spiegelman’s many years of brilliant comic work at The Jewish Museum in NYC. One comic strip caught my attention as brilliant parenting advice. I share it here. The comic was Spiegelman’s fairy tale of a Prince who told his father, the...
Self-Acceptance Must Come Before Change
Sick of making New Year’s resolutions only to forget what they were a month down the road? Why is it that we start the year with all good intentions to get organized, lose weight, be a better parent, relax more, join that gym, etc. only to once again fail so we can...
Tweens Online
A guest post from Dr. Birute Regine, author of "Iron Butterflies: Women Transforming Themselves and the World" For weeks, Rene had been badgering her parents to let her have a gmail account. All her friends in middle school had email accounts, so why couldn’t she?...
In the Wake of Newtown and Nelson Mandela: What can we learn?
It is auspicious that our world has lost one of its most peaceful warriors at the marking of the one-year anniversary of one of its most violent acts. As we mourn the loss of one who brought peace and justice to the millions of oppressed in his country and set a...
Being You at Holiday Time
Holidays mean relatives; Relatives can mean conflict. Now is the time to create supportive relationships. When you anticipate getting together with your parents or in-laws at holiday time, do you get tense and stressed just thinking about it? Are you afraid...
The 10 Second Rule
“If only I could stay calm…” “I just react… I can’t help it!” Every success story I have ever received from a parent includes, I was able to stay calm. Okay, easier said than done, I know. Human beings are reactive. When we feel threatened, we automatically retaliate....
Taming Temper Tantrums
For the child, a temper tantrum feels like swirling in the middle of a tornado. It is frightening and there is no way of knowing when or if it will end. A temper tantrum is not a parent’s favorite aspect of their child’s development. Tantrums are often accompanied by...
When Your Kids Fight: Entering The Triangle Zone
Nothing is more time consuming, frustrating, worrisome, and annoying than your children’s sibling rivalry. In an nano second, you fear they will never have any meaningful relationships of any kind. You don't know what to do to change it, you yell at their behavior and...
Emotional Roller Coasters: The Human Condition
Did you ever have something really good happen that you had mixed emotions about? Ever dip into a panic right before you got married or had a baby? Have you ever been offered a job you sought only to wish you hadn’t gotten it? Have you ever had times when you are very...
My Homework Challenge: Being Your Child’s Best Advocate
Let me guess what your biggest worries/concerns/battles are about when it comes to your child and school. Homework, right? What do you most want for your child? Is it to be happy, respectful, kind, responsible, confident, independent, and successful? Or would...
7 Ways to Start the School Year Off Right
As much as I hate to think of summer ending, it is time to be thinking about the new school year beginning. ‘Beginning’ is a concept worth giving thought to. To begin is to start or start again. A new school year start should not be marred by old expectations. Whether...
When My Dog Pushed My Buttons and What I Learned from It
The other day I went kayaking with my husband, some friends, and my puppy, Maggie. Last summer, Maggie’s first summer, she learned to nestle with me in the dell of my kayak. She wasn’t always happy to sit still but she got better as the summer progressed and seemed to...
Are You Really Listening?
I often talk about the importance of listening to our children—really paying attention to what they are saying and doing—so that we learn how to “read between the lines” of their behavior and are better able to interpret what they say and do. When we understand our...
Worried your child is a quitter?
How many times have you signed your child up for swimming, soccer, gymnastics, violin or piano lessons, camp—she even being begged for it—only to hear, “I don’t want to go”? It’s hard not to be furious—“But you said this is what you wanted”—especially when money is...
Are Gender Lines Getting Blurrier?
An email was sent out to every parent at our local middle school the other day saying that one of the sixth grade male children wished from this point forward to be addressed and accepted as a girl. She had been dressing as a girl at home for some time and could no...
It’s easier than you think—and the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
I spend a lot of time writing and talking about my opinions on children’s behavior, my theories of Connective Parenting, validation, acceptance—all the principles I believe in to encourage parents to let go of the old traditional methods of parenting we have used for...
A Mother’s Day Gift
Being a mother is no piece of cake. From the beginning there is seemingly endless crying, sleepless nights, demands on your time and energy, exhaustion both physical and mental, putting your needs on indefinite hold—forgetting what your needs even are. Kids fight—with...
Humpty-Dumpty Parenting
Ever feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”? Does it seem like you are on constant alert for the next emotional “episode” to erupt? Sometimes it seems that if you look cross-eyed, your child will meltdown. Asking him to put on his jacket can seem like you’ve told him...
In Time of Tragedy, Look to Yourself First
Another tragedy has hit the airwaves and the school hallways. Again the question is raised, “What do I tell my kids?” I addressed this question the best I could—who can ever answer this well?—in my blog, “Look for the Helpers” after Sandy Hook. This time I want to...
Are You Raising Your Boys to be Men or Misogynists?
Last summer two teenaged football players in Steubenville, Ohio got a 16 year old girl beyond drunk, carried her from party to party, and repeatedly raped and abused her in front of many consenting friends. So “cool” was this, they joked and bragged about it in texts...
Problem Solving 101
My husband and I were taking a walk with our 21 month old grandson. For a short distance we needed to walk in the road. I said, “Hold my hand Sam. You have to hold my hand in the road.” At first he did and then he had a different idea and pulled his hand away. I said,...
The Do’s and Don’ts of Ending Power Struggles – Forever
When my daughter Molly was five, I was exhausted. I couldn’t see a way out of our daily power struggles. She was pushing all my buttons, and I was reacting with hostility. But it was the mental notes playing in my head that got me the most. I was worried we would...
10 Ways to Stop Helicopter Parenting
Helicopter parents not only take too much responsibility for their children and fix their problems to protect them from upset or disappointment, they also tend to be overly punitive by not taking responsibility for themselves and blaming their children for their own...
Trust Your Children More; Teach Them Less
The more stories I hear from parents, the more I know that to trust our children’s capabilities and detours is the path to connected relationships and success. But to trust a child goes against our standards of good parenting. They have to trust us. It doesn't go the...
Empathy vs Sympathy
There is a fine line between sympathy and empathy. Learning the difference can make huge changes in your relationship with your child. Sympathy directs attention to how you feel. Empathy is about listening. It tells your child you are paying attention to how...
Evidence of our Culture of Punishment
While most readers of the viral blog, “I am Adam Lanza’s Mother” (http://is.gd/37Hw8n) were overcome with empathy for this mother of a reportedly mentally ill son and christened her a national heroine, I had a different take. I could not help but see it all from her...
Mass Killings: When Do We Talk about Parenting?
Perhaps the only silver lining to the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary is emerging conversations and, hopefully, policy changes for gun control and mental illness. Both are in dire need of a relook and a revision, even though neither is likely to eradicate mass...
Look for the Helpers
What should we say to our children in the wake of this horrific school shooting? How can we ease their fears and answer their questions, not to mention ours? We look for the right thing to say just as we look for the motive of the killer—to make it all make sense, fix...
Thoughts on Gratitude
This is the time of year when everyone talks about gratitude. What are we grateful for? How do we teach our children gratitude? How can we be more grateful for all we have? Although I have not had a great loss in my life since I was young, I have had friends with...
5 Things Never to Ask Your Child Right After School
You want to interact and make connection when your kids get home from school. Your kids do too but not in the way you might think. You’ve missed them, you want to know what they did all day, how they got along, if they had any problems. But questions can feel like an...
Want to get your kids to cooperate? Set challenges.
Young children LOVE being challenged. Give them a problem to solve, a way to compete against themselves and they will rise to your challenge every time—as long as your challenge is given with a light-hearted, fun and games attitude. It’s so exhausting and draining to...
The Pause that Refreshes
Your child reacts uncontrollably to something you have said. You either least expect it, highly disapprove of it, are hurt by it, or it reinforces what a terrible job you think you are doing in raising this brat. What’s your immediate reaction? Let me guess. You react...
How Much is too Much: Are you a Toxic Parent?
Many of today’s parents fear that if they don’t give their children the right push out of the crib, they will not make it in this world of high-powered over-achievers. The fear is that anything less than a Harvard post-graduate degree will leave our children on the...
8 Ingredients to Set Your Child Up for School Success
We're at the Start of a Fresh School Year Which means it’s time to think about helping your children be as successful in school as they can be. That includes resisting the temptation either to push children so much that they fear never meeting up to your expectations...
Give Up Screentime Fights
So much worry, arguing, screaming, and power struggles are spent between parents and kids over screen time. The jury is still out on the effects but enough has been written about brain damage, nature deprivation, inactivity, eye damage, etc., etc. to keep parents...
Are you an Ostrich Parent?
Just two weeks ago a new study came out of the University of Manitoba showing the effects of spanking and corporal punishment including slapping, shoving, grabbing, and hitting. Researchers examined data from more than 34,000 adults and found that being spanked...
Are we ready or able to stop bullying?
The youtube capture of the 68-year-old bus monitor being bullied by a group of 12-14 year olds has been viewed by almost 5 million and has raised the ire of each one of us. We are all full of opinions and judgments. But what would you do if you were the parent of one...
Is Your Graduate Ready for Graduation?
If your child is graduating from kindergarten, elementary school or middle school, the next step is obvious. Worse-case scenario is repeating a grade. Many high school graduates will go on to college. But for those at the end of their academic journey, there is the...
The Parent-Child Baggage Cycle
Ever wonder why you yell at your kids, take away privileges and put them in time out and nothing seems to change? It's because you are spinning the endless cycle of action and reaction instead of stopping it. You are expecting your child to make the change and be the...
A Breastfeeding War?
Is this the age of guilty parents? Have mothers always felt this guilty? I don’t think guilt was part of my mother’s generation of parenting—even though she felt plenty guilty…but we won’t go there. Revolution requires a pendulum swing. We know so much more in the...
For Mother’s Day: Is Mothering the Hardest Job?
Thanks to Hilary Rosen’s comment about Ann Romney never working a day in her life, the subject of mothering has come to the fore once again – just in time for Mother’s Day. While I believe that parenting, whether done primarily by a mother or a father, is indeed the...
Does Whining Drive You Crazy?!
I've never met a parent who likes—no, is even okay with—whining. For me it was like nails on a blackboard. Many parents don't know of another torture that would be worse. Whining is as developmental and normal in a toddler's life as discovering the pleasure of saying...
The Perils of Replacing Play with Homework
When are we going to get it that young children need free and unstructured play in order to learn at their best? More and more kindergartners and even preschoolers are getting academic work and even some to take home. I just returned from London where I ran a number...
Grief and Loss
Three days ago we had to put our adored eleven year old dog to sleep. The sorrow has been immense. Only two days before that we found out that he had lots of cancer including all through his lungs. He had slowed down a bit and had become finicky about eating in the...
Too many toys?
Watching the toys pouring in for my grandson has made me think about our grossly material world and how important it seems to parents that their children have everything the culture provides. Coinciding with this—granted I have not done a study on the connection—seems...
5 Building Blocks to Raising Resilient Children
How well does your child deal with adversity, cope in difficult situations, become stronger after disappointments? In other words, how resilient is she? We often think that our job is to protect our children from the tough situations of life, but in fact, our...
Understanding Shared Power
When I tell parents to share power with their child, they get nervous. "Wait, I'm the parent? Aren't I the one in charge?" Absolutely. Sharing power means that you both stand in your personal power. It does not mean that your child has the same power that you do. You...
Misbehavior = Mis(taken)behavior
Your child's behavior is only the tip of the iceberg. Don't take it literally. It has emotional triggers hidden beneath the surface. This is where your attention is to be directed. When we see only the behavior and decide it is either good or bad and should be either...
Parenting is not a contest
The traditional reward and punishment model of parenting sets the parent/child relationship up as a contest. The other day I ran into a friend with her toddler. They had just had a tiff while taking a walk. She said to me, "I'm not sure whether I won that round or...
Can we bully our kids out of bullying?
I don't have a lot of faith in most bullying programs in schools. Mainly because they focus on the children and not the families. I believe a lot of bullying is generated in homes where bullying occurs. We don't realize it because bullying is part of our traditional...
A Word about Obedience
I just heard a woman on the radio talking about her sexual abuse by a Catholic priest. She said that the church's doctrine of obedience was a large part of it. "How else," she said, "would a child be willing to endure that kind of control and not say anything about...
Lessons from “Chinese mothering”
Never have I experienced such a collective button being pushed than with Amy Chua's revelatory story of how she raised her two girls the Chinese way. Is it the threat we feel when she throws western parenting under the bus? This is what happens to anyone of us when we...
Pendulum Parenting-from “nice” to “Chinese”!
How many parents find a balance in their parenting that works. We seem to go through cycles, fads as it were. We didn't like the autocratic parenting many of us were brought up with so we reacted and swung the opposite way being nice to our children, giving them all...
Stopping by a Moose/Intrinsic Rewards
Yesterday driving through MA, I spotted a moose in the woods. It was huge. My friend who was driving turned around so we could all see it. We stopped on the side of the road and my husband got out to take a picture. Just then the moose moved, and my friend backed up a...
Seattle and San Fran
I'm heading out tomorrow to Seattle to give 4 different workshops at the La Leche conference in Redmond. And then on Monday, I leave for San Francisco to do a number of workshops and talks. Please check out my newsletter -...
Nature/Nurture
I had a really interesting dinner conversation the other night. A friend asked me what ratio I would put on the old nature/nurture argument. Everyone chipped in their opinions, and it led to a very lively discussion. Even though the topic was the content of my masters...
Doubt: It’s Pros and Cons
Doubt is something that drives us nuts as parents but can both serve us and undermine us. If you didn't doubt what you were doing as a parent, you wouldn't be a conscious parent. We all know parents who know what is right and what is wrong and nothing moves them from...
The Irony of Parenting
My adult daughter was just home for three weeks in August before starting grad school in NYC. It was heaven for me. I relished every minute and spent too much time dreading the end of her stay. I've often thought, isn't it crazy that we spend so many years in the...
Yoga Meets Parenting
In the teachings of yoga, tension is experienced and released on three levels. The first and most obvious is the physical, next the emotional and finally the mental. In parenting it is the same thing. Our outward manifestations of tension, stress, worry, fear is in...
Holding on and Letting Go
From the first moment of birthing a baby from the womb into the world of sudden cold, brightness and newness, we are in the process of letting go of these precious beings into their own lives. The management of the balance of holding safely and letting go is the art...
Lessons our Children Bring Us
Lessons our Children Bring Us The more we are able to drop into the present moment with a child and accept whatever is being presented, the more we come to understand, appreciate, and cherish what makes this child unique and special. No matter what the outward...
Blog-Maybe things don’t have to be different
I just read a very powerful sentence in a wonderful book, The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison. She said, "As soon as I stop wishing for things to be different, I am met by the beauty of what is...." How much time do we spend wishing for things to be...
The Moments of Parenting
I am beginning my second attempt at blogging with some thoughts about the anxiety and fears that arise in every day parenting. What am I supposed to do? How much should I push? When do I pull back? What is the right answer? When is this child ever going to learn….? I...
Monthly Virtual Q&A with Bonnie Harris and Shannon McNamara
We open the floor to your questions, stuck moments, and wins. These free sessions are part engaging conversation, part coaching, and entirely worth your time.